The Real Me

This is my blog, right? I can write whatever I want on here, right? I'm not asking these questions of anyone who is reading my blog, but of myself. And not to literally ask myself, but to build up the courage to use my blog for something quite personal. But it's time. It's my time and this is what I have to do.

You know how they say that to lose weight it's easier if you have a buddy to do it along with you? Well, I've tried that before, but it only works as long as I am honest with myself and with those I've chosen to be my "buddy". Well, to be perfectly honest, I haven't been. I start out with great intentions and then I slip. Everybody slips at times, right? Yes, but I have a tendency to be extremely hard on myself. So when I slip I allow it to become a cataclysmic event and I fall hard, which leads to depression and A LOT... and I mean A LOT... of eating, which just leads to gaining more weight, a new resolve to lose it, an attempt at a new diet plan, short term success, a struggle, the slip, the cataclysmic fall and depression all over again. My weight loss cycle. Actually, for anyone out there who needs to gain weight, which I really struggle with wrapping my head around, this is a great way to gain it. Try to lose it! Hahahaha!!! OK, back to my plan.

I am going to lay it all out on the table. I'm going to open myself up, make myself vulnerable and be completely, 100% honest with myself and everyone out there. I am going to document all the humiliating, gory details. Why? Well, to be perfectly honest, I use food to fill a void and most of the time that void is loneliness. There are times... many times, when I feel completely alone with no one to talk to, no one who really understands how I feel, no one to turn to for comfort. Other times I use food to deal with boredom, stress, worry, sadness... the list is endless. Usually, instead of facing the emotions I'm feeling and figuring out what they are and why I'm feeling them, I eat. And as much as I want to say I've changed, which I have made some changes, I still have a long way to go.

I have become a master of disguise, manipulation and deceit. So instead of continuing in those unhealthy patterns I've decided to use my blog to help me overcome some of the destructive habits I have formed in my life. Man, this is going to be embarrassing. But I think it's what I need to do.

To start off I need to say that I am not looking for someone to solve my problems for me. Trust me. I know what I need to do to lose weight. I just struggle with the execution of it. This is my problem and I need to fix it. But I know I can't do it alone. I need the strength, guidance and love of my Heavenly Father. And I need the love and support of my family and friends. I don't need anyone to tell me what I'm doing wrong. I already know. I just need love and support and occasionally, when I ask for it, some words of advice. So here it goes.

WEIGHT - I'm not going to share the exact number. I don't think I can do that just yet. But it's bad. If you watch The Biggest Loser I can tell you that I weigh less than the heaviest woman on Season 8 and more than the heaviest woman on Season 7. But that's as close as I get to publicizing it just now. I do keep track and I weigh myself weekly. Recently that number has started to creep up again. Depressing.

EXERCISE - I have plenty of gadgets at home so I don't really need to join a gym. I have 20 or more DVDs. I have all The Biggest Loser books, several low calorie/light cookbooks, a treadmill, a bike on a trainer and a community lap pool. A few weeks ago I did a couple of TBL (The Biggest Loser) DVDs but my knees were killing me by the end of them. I need to do something that is less strenuous on my knees for a while. Swimming is the ultimate exercise, but it's so humiliating going in public in a swim suit. But thanks so some late night instant messaging with my mom, I plucked up the courage to go one morning and I did it!!! I forgot how much I love swimming. It felt so good to get in the pool and do laps. I am so out of shape so it is VERY slow going right now. But when I go I go for an hour. Last week I went on Thursday and Friday. Thursday I did 42 laps in the 25 meter pool in an hour. Friday I did 54 and didn't feel that much more tired than I did on Thursday. But I haven't gone at all this week. I've found excuses not to go. But I'm committing to myself to go tomorrow morning. I've also started riding my bike again, which I really haven't done in a very long time. When I got on it for the first time in months, I almost couldn't get on. I felt very uncoordinated. And once on I was so afraid I was going to break it. I also couldn't ride for very long. I'd ride for a minute or so and rest for a minute, then ride, then rest. How sad and pathetic is that? But I played that cat and mouse game for 30 minutes. I did it 2 days last week, but haven't ridden it this week. It also hurts my arms and shoulders to hold myself up for that long. (See what I mean. This is quite humiliating.)

FOOD - So you want to know what I've eaten today? It's quite tragic. For breakfast I had milk and cookies... literally. And for lunch I had tuna and tortilla chips. Healthy? Hardly, especially since I think I ate at least 8 cookies and they were the big Costco kind. I didn't eat very many chips or that much tuna, but only because I got interrupted by a phone call. By the time I got off the phone I had my head collected and just put the food away. But at this very moment I just want to eat. Probably mostly since I am putting this all out there for the world to stomp on and making myself very vulnerable. I think I'm really just thirsty since I really haven't had anything to drink since the milk at breakfast. OK, I'm going to go get some water right now before I eat ANYTHING.

I hope this isn't a horrible mistake. I just feel that if I can be accountable to someone... or everyone for that matter then I may make life long changes once and for all. Trying to hide it, acting like there isn't a problem and keeping it to myself just hasn't worked at all over the years. So here I am. All of me. The real me. No more hiding. No more pretending. Just me.