Avoiding the Ugly Truth

I started this blog to be completely honest with myself, to lay it all out on the table so I can see it in front of me and learn how to deal with it. Well, I haven't been lately. I've regressed a little into familiar unhealthy habits where my eating gets out of control and I try to ignore it. I had a few good days last week and then came Friday. Friday is my new weigh-in day. I hadn't stepped on the scale for a few weeks, so I was expecting a pretty good weight loss. I had had a couple of good weeks and thought I'd see a difference. Well, when I got on the scale I only saw a difference of 0.8 lbs. Not the number I was expecting and it bothered me more than I realized. Do you know how frustrating it is to think you're doing well at something only to find out that you're not? It knocked me off my feet, emotionally. I tried holding it together as best I could, but Saturday night after an evening trick-or-treating with the niece and nephews, I hit a low point. I stopped by the grocery store (I really did need to pick-up a few things), but my resistance to buying bad stuff was non-existent. I bought bean dip, artichoke dip, macaroni salad, potato salad and a bag of Reese Peanut Butter candy. All that and the pizza and cookie dough I bought Friday night was what I ate Friday through Monday. I guess one good thing was that I didn't eat it all in one sitting. In all reality it didn't make me feel better. Food doesn't seem to fill the void as well as it once did. I guess that's a good thing. I was hoping that the void would go away so I wouldn't use food to fill it. I never really thought of the void sticking around. But I guess I was looking at the void as representing one thing and once dealt with, that one thing would no longer be an issue in my life. Hence, the void would disappear. But I don't think the void is one thing. I think it comes and goes, depending on what is going on in my life. I may have had bigger issues stemming from past history, skeletons in my closet, baggage, however you want to look at it. Those things were probably the beginnings of my emotional eating and food issues. But I've dealt with those things, threw away the skeletons, unpacked the baggage if you will. So that void, the one I've been filling since childhood is gone. But others have opened up. I guess I will always have some void or another that needs to be filled. I just need to figure out how to fill it in a healthy way rather than the way I've known since I was young. OK... lists of void fillers. A topic for another day.

So that was a bizarre peek into my psyche. Scary, isn't it. But surprisingly, it helped to ramble on like that. I kind of understand it all a little bit better and isn't that the point of all this?

Anyway... back to my original topic. I'm very frustrated right now. I've eaten so many calories over the last few days and I'm feeling a bit under the weather right now so I'm not up to exercising like crazy. I just feel defeated and that I'll never be able to do this. The logical side of my brain is trying to reassure me that this is not true, and while on some level I know it isn't, I'm sure not feeling it. I definitely ate healthier today. So that's an improvement from the last few days. I guess I'm just feeling... well... panicked. For some reason I feel like I'm running out of time, like if I don't lose weight now and fast that I'm going to miss out on some really important thing in my life. To be perfectly honest, I feel like if I don't lose weight, then I'll never get married. And if I don't do it soon, well let's face it. My biological clock is ticking. OK. I think that's enough honesty for one evening. I'm really freaking myself out and what I need to do is not look at the whole big picture. Just take one day at a time and right now its 11:10pm on Tuesday, November 3, 2009. Today I had a grapefruit and scrambled egg whites with vegetables and cheese for breakfast, chocolate chip cookie dough for lunch (remnants of Friday nights food fest) and lasagna and fresh organic spinach for dinner. All in all, that's pretty good for me, especially how the past few days have gone. Its late and its been a few hours since I last ate. My stomach is rumbling, so I think I'll go make some hot chocolate and then go to bed. Sounds like a great way to end the day. Good night.

Happy Halloween

My California niece and nephews

(minus one little baseball player).

Zachary was a baseball.

He was just pretty much in a daze all night.

Dominic was a lego. He fell and couldn't get up.

My Utah nephew, Hazen. I didn't get to spend Halloween with him, but his parents posted some pictures of this adorable little fireman.

This kid makes the best faces!

Every Little Thing Counts

I've been trying to get back in the grove of things since I got back from vacation. It's hard to snap back into the routine of things, especially when your normal routine isn't that normal. But I did want to pat myself on the back for a couple successful moments.

Night time is usually the hardest time for me. I just want to munch and munch and munch and munch. It kills me sometimes. Actually, my night time munching is probably what is killing me losing weight. But last week I had a few good nights. Tuesday night I was feeling that uncontrollable urge to eat and I was fighting it. Have you ever had an internal war with yourself? It's exhausting. I have them all the time! Tuesday night I was feeling myself lose the battle, which if you think about it, if I'm fighting with myself, I can't really lose, can I? Either way I win. OK... so not the point. Anyway, you get what I mean. So back to Tuesday night. I went into the kitchen and looked around, but nothing was speaking to me. Good thing! I didn't want to eat, but that urge is indescribable. I really can't explain it. It almost has a life of its own and sometimes I really do feel powerless against it. But that night I decided to grab a Fiber One bar and head to bed. When I got in bed, the urge to eat had subsided and I didn't even eat the Fiber One bar. YEAH!!!

Wednesday night I was living it all over again. I did have 2 Fiber One bars, but that was it. No 4th meal, no never ending snacking, no binging. Just 2 Fiber One bars and that was that. Now if I could overcome that uncontrollable urge like that everyday, we'd be in business! Slowly but surely, right?

Back in the Saddle Again

Well, I'm back at the keyboard again. Part of my reason for not blogging recently is simply being on vacation with little to no internet access. Plus, I was on vacation to visit a friend, not to blog. But even if I hadn't been on vacation, I still probably wouldn't have written. I've been avoiding it, although not completely conciously. If anyone had asked me, I woudn't have admitted it mainly because I didn't realize that's what I was doing at the time. I started this new focus of my blog for me, to help me learn how to do this for myself. But I let the negative opinions of others affect me and shake my confidence. I just needed to remember that I'm doing this for me and not for anyone else. I do appreciate all the support and the positive and uplifting comments. But I don't want to be one of those hypocritical people who only allows positive feedback. So I welcome any and all comments... the good, the bad and the ugly. But I have a new resolve. I know me. I know what I'm feeling and why. I know where I'm at and where I want to go. I don't have to accept every opinion that is shared. I will remember that they are just that... opinions and won't necessarily be true or right. But who knows. There may be something in them that will help me improve. And for all the stupid, rude and inane things that may or may not be said, well, if you share your opinion with me, then I will most certainly share mine with you... the good, the bad and the ugly!

Note to Self

I've had kind of a rough week, as is evident in my lack of posts. And it wasn't until tonight that I realized why. Have you ever just felt off center and you can't pinpoint why, but you can't seem to pull it together? And then everything, including the small stuff, just feels so overwhelming you can't seem to make even the simplest of decisions? Well, that was my week and as hard as I tried I couldn't seem to get back on track with eating healthy, exercising and studying for the GRE. Those 3 things were supposed to be my main focus during this time of unemployment and the more time that goes by the more panicked and frustrated I get because I don't feel I'm at where I want to be at with any of those things. And the more I think about it all, the more frustrated and panicked I get thinking about how much of my future relies on what I can accomplish now and it just continues to snow ball. Last night I was thinking about all this when I realized/remembered that this is something I do quite often and is something I'm trying to overcome. I felt a sense of relief when I realized/remembered this. Instead of focusing on the whole picture, I will focus on today, taking it day by day, hour by hour. Can't eat the whole elephant at once.

I'd like to say a few things that have been weighing heavily on my mind this week, mostly for myself and maybe for a reader or two of my blog. I'm writing about my weight loss journey for myself. Perhaps my experiences will help someone else out there, maybe not. But my purpose is to help me through the next phase of my journey. This will be a life long pursuit. I'm not expecting to lose weight and be done with it. I'm not expecting to reach a "finish line". What I am expecting to do is to face each individual roadblock, accept it and learn how to get over it. Some roadblocks may take a considerable amount of time to deal with. Some I may come face to face with more than once. For me, most of my roadblocks are emotional. I'm sure most people don't get it. But that doesn't matter. I know what I've been through. I know what I've already overcome. I know that I am ready to begin the journey to permanent, life long changes. I know I will succeed. I have already succeeded in the past at losing weight. But it's not just about losing pounds and my past is proof of that. I reached hurdles that I wasn't ready to cross and ended up taking a few steps back. Haha... OK, maybe huge tumbles down the cliff backwards. But that's OK. It's all part of life, learning and moving forward. In writing about the difficult moments, I'm not making excuses for my mistakes or expecting sympathy. This blog is proof of that. I'm admitting that I'm not perfect, that I make mistakes. By writing about it I lay it out before me, to look at it and deal with it. Most of the time I'm surprised at what I see. It quantifies it for me and puts it into perspective. It helps me to figure out why I keep making the same mistakes over and over. And hopefully it will help so the next time I hit the same road block I will be aware of what's happening and I will be able to overcome it instead of give in.

There is so much more I wanted to write. But it's late and I'm exhausted and rather than try to hash it all out right now, I'm going to go to bed and write more at another time. And like my friend Kirsten said, tomorrow is a new day and I'll make a fresh start.

My Week in Review

Ooops! It's been a week since I've blogged. I'm sure there are some who may be wondering if I've given up. No, I haven't. But I will admit that I've fallen off the bandwagon a few times. I've even thought about not writing about it... forgeting about it... pretending that it never happened. But that is the very reason why I started writing about this all in the first place. Avoiding the slip ups or the "negative" is not helpful. Laying it all out there and facing it head on is what I need to do to "make the weak things become strong". Some people may think that writing about the stumbles and falls is just focusing on the negative. But it's not. By writing it all down I'm saying, yes, I had a low point, I gave in and this is what I did. I admit it. Not only to anyone who reads my blog, but most importantly, to myself. And it's OK. I'm OK. I'm not a failure, and anyone who thinks I am can SUCK IT!!! Then I pick myself up and move on. Will I stumble and fall again. Most definitely. But guess what?!?! I'm not perfect. (Shock! Gasp! "NO!") And here's another one... NEITHER ARE YOU!!! As far as I remember there's only ever been one perfect person on this earth and he lived nearly 2000 years ago.


OK, I digress. Here are a couple of successes I had over the last week. Friday night I drove down to my sister, Brenda's, apartment for dinner. Our brother, Brian, and his family met us down there. After dinner I left to go home with the intention of stopping at the grocery store. But as I drove that all too familiar feeling of desperation for food came over me. I wanted a big slice of carrot cake from Safeway or chocolate or Taco Bell. I knew that if I stopped at the grocery store that I would get the carrot cake, probably some chocolate to go along with it and anything else that struck my fancy at that moment. And then I'd be mad at myself for buying all that stuff, so I'd decide to bag it all, go through the Taco Bell drive-thru and then go home and proceed to eat most of it if not all. I really did need to get some groceries, but I knew I could not stop. So I just drove straight home. Once I got home I ate a Fiber One bar and I was good. I was so relieved and pretty freakin' proud of myself.

A Stumble, A Win and an Epiphany

THE STUMBLE
So, after I blogged last night I tried going to sleep and even though I was tired I couldn't fall asleep. I kept tossing and turning. To add insult to injury I was getting hungry since it had been so long since I'd last eaten and I was still awake. And then came the war in my head. You know that war where one side of your conscious says, "yes, just do it" and the other side says, "no, don't do it". That war in my head went on for a while and I have to admit that I caved. I totally forgot my plan of attack. I really frustrate myself sometimes. I won't go into all the gory details, but I will say that it involved pie crust dough and whipped cream. I finally did get to sleep and slept well. But I woke feeling really crappy about myself. But then came...

THE WIN
Wednesdays are my weigh in days. After a horrible night last night I really did not want to weigh in, but I'm in this for the long haul and I want to make permanent life long changes. So I sucked it up and got on the scale and guess what!?!? I lost 3 lbs last week. Can you believe it? After all the mess ups over the last week, I still had positive results. YEAH!!! I was on cloud nine. I hit the ground running and decided, it's a new day with a new beginning. I had a great day. I ate healthy food and proportionate meals. I exercised and did strength training as well and I accomplished a few tasks on my "To Do" list that never seems to go away, which is where my epiphany comes in. (Oh, and I'm not going to say exactly what I weigh just yet. Still not ready for that kind of humiliation.)

THE EPIPHANY
I have this never ending "To Do" list that has started to weigh me down. No pun intended. But I really want to take advantage of this time of unemployment and focus on getting my health in order and making life changes and new healthy habits. I need to make that a priority or I'll never accomplish it. And then I realized that whenever I'm outside doing yard work, which is the majority of things on my "To Do" list, I work up quite a sweat and get my heart rate going pretty good. This could be my exercise. I still need to supplement it with swimming and bicycling for example. So that's what I did today. I worked a total of 3 hours outside in the backyard today. There is still so much more that needs to be done, but I was able to cross a few off the list today and count it as exercise. All in all, a pretty good day.

One Simple Decision

It's so frustrating! How can I go from doing so great in the morning to completely blowing it by the late afternoon? Just one simple decision. I went to the dentist this afternoon for my regular cleaning. While I was there the thought to get Wienerschnitzel for dinner came into my mind and it didn't leave. Last night my roommate grabbed some on her way home from work and the thought sounded good. Some may wonder why Wienerschnitzel, but I do like hot dogs and yes, I know what they are made of, but it doesn't bother me.

It wouldn't have been so bad, but I bought more than what one person would normally eat and I ate it all over the course of the evening. This is embarrassing and pretty hard for me to see it written down in front of me, but I'm going to do it. I keep track of what I eat on The Biggest Loser Club online and it calculates the calories for me. I entered every morsel of what I ate today. Scary!!! But it does help to see exactly how many calories, etc. I took in today. Trust me. I was shocked. I think if I had known before I went through the drive through I may not have gone. But now I know and it's not pretty. So full disclosure, right? That's what set out here to do. OK, here's the nasty truth: 2 Angus Beef Chili Cheese dogs, 1 Chili Cheese Fry, 1 Large Fry and 1 Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Freeze. And here's what my daily totals are: calories: 4,653 -- carbs: 578 -- fat: 225 -- protein: 148 -- fiber: 107 -- sodium: 8,184. It's no wonder I'm morbidly obese.

So I'm making a goal and I'm putting it out there. I will not go through the drive through. See, the drive through is so easy. I don't have to get out of the car and it's quick. So no more drive throughs. If I have to eat fast food, you know, like when I'm traveling, then I'll park and get out of the car. It will deter me from going through the drive through as often as I do. OH MY WORD!!!!!! I just looked at my budget/ledger and saw how much I've spent this month on fast food alone. This is so sad and embarrassing. I've spent $157.00 on fast food... drive throughs alone. I am mortified and ashamed. And I didn't even go swimming this morning.

OK. Well now I'm aware. Instead of just keeping track of all these things separately I am putting it all together and the picture isn't pretty. Time to paint a new picture.

The Uncontrolable Urge

It hit me again last night. That uncontrollable urge to just eat. It was bout 12:30am. I started getting ready for bed at 11:30pm and that's early believe it or not. My goal was to be in bed by midnight. I have a whole story about getting to bed, but that will have to wait for another blog entry. Anyway, I got into bed and decided to read for a little bit. I was about ready to fall asleep when I remembered that my swimsuit needed to be hung up to dry. The thought of putting on a wet swimsuit in the morning to go swimming was not appealing at all. So I drug myself out of bed and hung it up, used the bathroom and then it hit... the overwhelming urge to eat something. By this time I was wide awake and food was all I could think about. SERIOUSLY!?!?!? Where did this come from? Looking back I really should have journalled. Journalling usually helps me figure what I'm really feeling at the time. I just sit down with pen and paper and purge EVERYTHING. It's actually quite surprising what comes out. But last night I was so afraid that if I left my room I'd eat and I really didn't want to. I forced myself to go back to bed and I knelt down and prayed. It really wasn't a coherent prayer. I just kind of knelt there letting my mind wander until I felt tired again. So I climbed into bed hoping sleep would overcome me. But no, it didn't. I couldn't get the desire to eat something out of my head. And what I wanted to eat was not good. If I could have made a batch of brownies, I would have. Or a huge plate of nachos. What else was going through my head? Oh, I had the thought of going to McDonald's because the drive through is open 24 hours and getting a few hamburgers and fries.

This tossing and turning lasted a while until I finally got up. I went to the kitchen, filled up my water bottle, grabbed 4 Fiber One bars and went to my laptop to watch a couple of TV shows online. I figured if I was going to eat something, a Fiber One bar wasn't as bad as a whole pan of brownies, etc. One Fiber One bar has 140 Calories, 4g fat, 90mg sodium, 29g carbs, 9g fiber and 2g protein. Definitely better than a McDonald's run. But I was still frustrated with myself. I don't get this mind numbing urge that overcomes me sometimes. Ha! "Sometimes"? I don't think a day goes by when I don't feel it at least once.

OK, so what can I learn from this? I don't want to be hard on myself because I'll just get depressed and probably go eat more. Let's look at the positive. OK. 1.) I didn't make brownies or nachos and I didn't go to McDonald's. YEAH!!! Pat on the back. 2.) I did turn to prayer first. And who knows, maybe the prayer helped me choose the Fiber One bars instead. This is a process right? 3.) I'm acknowledging what happened, writing it down and creating a plan of attack for the next time because, let's face it, there definitely will be a next time.

OK. Plan of attack. I think the praying helped, so next time step 1 is to pray. Step 2 is to journal. I need to figure out why I get these overwhelming urges to eat. There's probably an emotional reason behind them and once I figure out what it is, I can fix it. Step 3... if the urge doesn't go away, then I'll make a salad or a fruit smoothie instead. Or cut up some fresh fruits and veggies or have only 1 Fiber One bar instead of 4. :-)

Hmm... OK. I think I'm good. I'm ready for the day and I feel at peace with last night and a little defiant. BRING IT ON!!!! I WILL CONQUER THIS!!!!

Happy Birthday, Abigail!!!

Happy Birthday sweet girl! This is my beautiful niece, Abby, and she turned 2 today. I wish I could be there on your birthday, Abby. But know that I love you and hope the best for you in your life.