Wednesday, September 30, 2009

A Stumble, A Win and an Epiphany

So, after I blogged last night I tried going to sleep and even though I was tired I couldn't fall asleep. I kept tossing and turning. To add insult to injury I was getting hungry since it had been so long since I'd last eaten and I was still awake. And then came the war in my head. You know that war where one side of your conscious says, "yes, just do it" and the other side says, "no, don't do it". That war in my head went on for a while and I have to admit that I caved. I totally forgot my plan of attack. I really frustrate myself sometimes. I won't go into all the gory details, but I will say that it involved pie crust dough and whipped cream. I finally did get to sleep and slept well. But I woke feeling really crappy about myself. But then came...

Wednesdays are my weigh in days. After a horrible night last night I really did not want to weigh in, but I'm in this for the long haul and I want to make permanent life long changes. So I sucked it up and got on the scale and guess what!?!? I lost 3 lbs last week. Can you believe it? After all the mess ups over the last week, I still had positive results. YEAH!!! I was on cloud nine. I hit the ground running and decided, it's a new day with a new beginning. I had a great day. I ate healthy food and proportionate meals. I exercised and did strength training as well and I accomplished a few tasks on my "To Do" list that never seems to go away, which is where my epiphany comes in. (Oh, and I'm not going to say exactly what I weigh just yet. Still not ready for that kind of humiliation.)

I have this never ending "To Do" list that has started to weigh me down. No pun intended. But I really want to take advantage of this time of unemployment and focus on getting my health in order and making life changes and new healthy habits. I need to make that a priority or I'll never accomplish it. And then I realized that whenever I'm outside doing yard work, which is the majority of things on my "To Do" list, I work up quite a sweat and get my heart rate going pretty good. This could be my exercise. I still need to supplement it with swimming and bicycling for example. So that's what I did today. I worked a total of 3 hours outside in the backyard today. There is still so much more that needs to be done, but I was able to cross a few off the list today and count it as exercise. All in all, a pretty good day.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

One Simple Decision

It's so frustrating! How can I go from doing so great in the morning to completely blowing it by the late afternoon? Just one simple decision. I went to the dentist this afternoon for my regular cleaning. While I was there the thought to get Wienerschnitzel for dinner came into my mind and it didn't leave. Last night my roommate grabbed some on her way home from work and the thought sounded good. Some may wonder why Wienerschnitzel, but I do like hot dogs and yes, I know what they are made of, but it doesn't bother me.

It wouldn't have been so bad, but I bought more than what one person would normally eat and I ate it all over the course of the evening. This is embarrassing and pretty hard for me to see it written down in front of me, but I'm going to do it. I keep track of what I eat on The Biggest Loser Club online and it calculates the calories for me. I entered every morsel of what I ate today. Scary!!! But it does help to see exactly how many calories, etc. I took in today. Trust me. I was shocked. I think if I had known before I went through the drive through I may not have gone. But now I know and it's not pretty. So full disclosure, right? That's what set out here to do. OK, here's the nasty truth: 2 Angus Beef Chili Cheese dogs, 1 Chili Cheese Fry, 1 Large Fry and 1 Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Freeze. And here's what my daily totals are: calories: 4,653 -- carbs: 578 -- fat: 225 -- protein: 148 -- fiber: 107 -- sodium: 8,184. It's no wonder I'm morbidly obese.

So I'm making a goal and I'm putting it out there. I will not go through the drive through. See, the drive through is so easy. I don't have to get out of the car and it's quick. So no more drive throughs. If I have to eat fast food, you know, like when I'm traveling, then I'll park and get out of the car. It will deter me from going through the drive through as often as I do. OH MY WORD!!!!!! I just looked at my budget/ledger and saw how much I've spent this month on fast food alone. This is so sad and embarrassing. I've spent $157.00 on fast food... drive throughs alone. I am mortified and ashamed. And I didn't even go swimming this morning.

OK. Well now I'm aware. Instead of just keeping track of all these things separately I am putting it all together and the picture isn't pretty. Time to paint a new picture.

The Uncontrolable Urge

It hit me again last night. That uncontrollable urge to just eat. It was bout 12:30am. I started getting ready for bed at 11:30pm and that's early believe it or not. My goal was to be in bed by midnight. I have a whole story about getting to bed, but that will have to wait for another blog entry. Anyway, I got into bed and decided to read for a little bit. I was about ready to fall asleep when I remembered that my swimsuit needed to be hung up to dry. The thought of putting on a wet swimsuit in the morning to go swimming was not appealing at all. So I drug myself out of bed and hung it up, used the bathroom and then it hit... the overwhelming urge to eat something. By this time I was wide awake and food was all I could think about. SERIOUSLY!?!?!? Where did this come from? Looking back I really should have journalled. Journalling usually helps me figure what I'm really feeling at the time. I just sit down with pen and paper and purge EVERYTHING. It's actually quite surprising what comes out. But last night I was so afraid that if I left my room I'd eat and I really didn't want to. I forced myself to go back to bed and I knelt down and prayed. It really wasn't a coherent prayer. I just kind of knelt there letting my mind wander until I felt tired again. So I climbed into bed hoping sleep would overcome me. But no, it didn't. I couldn't get the desire to eat something out of my head. And what I wanted to eat was not good. If I could have made a batch of brownies, I would have. Or a huge plate of nachos. What else was going through my head? Oh, I had the thought of going to McDonald's because the drive through is open 24 hours and getting a few hamburgers and fries.

This tossing and turning lasted a while until I finally got up. I went to the kitchen, filled up my water bottle, grabbed 4 Fiber One bars and went to my laptop to watch a couple of TV shows online. I figured if I was going to eat something, a Fiber One bar wasn't as bad as a whole pan of brownies, etc. One Fiber One bar has 140 Calories, 4g fat, 90mg sodium, 29g carbs, 9g fiber and 2g protein. Definitely better than a McDonald's run. But I was still frustrated with myself. I don't get this mind numbing urge that overcomes me sometimes. Ha! "Sometimes"? I don't think a day goes by when I don't feel it at least once.

OK, so what can I learn from this? I don't want to be hard on myself because I'll just get depressed and probably go eat more. Let's look at the positive. OK. 1.) I didn't make brownies or nachos and I didn't go to McDonald's. YEAH!!! Pat on the back. 2.) I did turn to prayer first. And who knows, maybe the prayer helped me choose the Fiber One bars instead. This is a process right? 3.) I'm acknowledging what happened, writing it down and creating a plan of attack for the next time because, let's face it, there definitely will be a next time.

OK. Plan of attack. I think the praying helped, so next time step 1 is to pray. Step 2 is to journal. I need to figure out why I get these overwhelming urges to eat. There's probably an emotional reason behind them and once I figure out what it is, I can fix it. Step 3... if the urge doesn't go away, then I'll make a salad or a fruit smoothie instead. Or cut up some fresh fruits and veggies or have only 1 Fiber One bar instead of 4. :-)

Hmm... OK. I think I'm good. I'm ready for the day and I feel at peace with last night and a little defiant. BRING IT ON!!!! I WILL CONQUER THIS!!!!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Happy Birthday, Abigail!!!

Happy Birthday sweet girl! This is my beautiful niece, Abby, and she turned 2 today. I wish I could be there on your birthday, Abby. But know that I love you and hope the best for you in your life.

A Personal Win!!!

OK. I don't want to spend all my time blogging about the negative parts of losing weight. Yes, it is a struggle and I've broken it down into taking it not a day at a time but an hour at a time. And last night was no exception. My neighbors work for Safeway and get a lot of product for free. They just don't have the freezer space for all of it and my parent's being the good Mormons they are have a huge freezer in their garage for food storage. So my neighbors store some of the food in our freezer and come and get it when they need to. They do share with us, quite a bit actually and they have said that we are free to whatever they have stored in the freezer. There is frozen chocolate chip cookie dough in there right now. I'll admit it. I've dug into that in the past few months and it wasn't pretty. I've never eaten a whole package in one sitting, but I have downed half a package in one sitting before. Well, last night I was craving something and remembered that there is still some cookie dough in the freezer. I sat in the living room debating over eating it for at least a half an hour. In the end I went and got it and brought it in. But before I sat down to eat it I had a change of mind. I put it back and had grabbed a Fiber One granola bar and glass of chocolate milk instead. FAR FEWER CALORIES!!! And it hit the spot. I was good. And I felt great!!! And this morning I went swimming, so it's been a great 24hours.

As for the food I ate today... not too bad. I started out good, following TBL meal plan for the most part. But by dinner time I followed my own plan, which as history will show is not as healthy as TBL meal plan. But I will give myself a pat on the back for not over-doing it at dinner. AND... I'VE KEPT TRACK OF EVERYTHING I'VE EATEN TODAY!!! That is huge in and of itself. I can do this.

I have to admit that I am a little surprised by my calorie intake for today. Here's the breakdown:
Recommended Actual
Calories: 2,000 2,801
Carbs: 240g 315g
Fat: 70g 114g
Protein: 120g 147g
Fiber: 44g 48g
Sodium: 3,425mg 5,577mg

Doesn't look that great when you look at it side by side. But sadly, this is better than most days. OK. I won't be depressed. This is a process and I'm taking the first steps by writing it all down and being 100% completely honest with myself. Awareness is the first step, right?

Well, I feel like ending a pretty good day on a good note. I'm going to go ride my bike and watch one of my favorite Monday night shows - "The Big Bang Theory". Very funny. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it.

I can't end this entry without saying thank you to everyone for their support and encouragement. It makes it so much easier to do this knowing I have all of you behind me. Thank you and I love you.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

So Far... Not So Good

SERIOUSLY!?!?!? Not even one day! Yet. OK. Keep the positive in mind. No, I did not go swimming this morning. But yes, I did get plenty of sleep. No, I haven't followed the TBL meal plan for today like I had planned, but I am at least writing down everything that I have eaten. OK. Not a total loss. But yet so very frustrating. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, but I'm so good at that. I'm just afraid of saying, "Oh, it's OK. Tomorrow is another day. Just start fresh then." That's what got me into this mess in the first place. Oh, I'll start tomorrow, or next week or January 1st as my New Year's Resolution. If that worked I wouldn't be in this position right now. Aaaaahhhhhh!!!! And then there's the age old advice of "just do it" in the first place and then I wouldn't be upset at myself and planning to start over tomorrow... AGAIN! Well, if that was so easy than I wouldn't have a weight problem now, would I?

Now, normally this is where I would say "SCREW IT!!!" and go get some really naughty food and plop in front of the TV for the rest of the night and eat. But I'm not going to do it. As much as I really want to... (whine, whine, whine) and I REALLY want to... I'm not going to give up. I'm still going to keep track of everything I eat today. I'm not going to pig out tonight. I'll have a sensible dinner, which means I'll keep the calories low, the fiber up and include A LOT of veggies and instead of sitting down with everything in front of me and eating until I'm full (which I do A LOT), I'll fix a plate with appropriate portion sizes and put the rest away. AND... I'm going to go ride my bicycle right now. Who cares if there are other things to do. I need to start taking care of myself.

Friday, September 25, 2009

The Real Me

This is my blog, right? I can write whatever I want on here, right? I'm not asking these questions of anyone who is reading my blog, but of myself. And not to literally ask myself, but to build up the courage to use my blog for something quite personal. But it's time. It's my time and this is what I have to do.

You know how they say that to lose weight it's easier if you have a buddy to do it along with you? Well, I've tried that before, but it only works as long as I am honest with myself and with those I've chosen to be my "buddy". Well, to be perfectly honest, I haven't been. I start out with great intentions and then I slip. Everybody slips at times, right? Yes, but I have a tendency to be extremely hard on myself. So when I slip I allow it to become a cataclysmic event and I fall hard, which leads to depression and A LOT... and I mean A LOT... of eating, which just leads to gaining more weight, a new resolve to lose it, an attempt at a new diet plan, short term success, a struggle, the slip, the cataclysmic fall and depression all over again. My weight loss cycle. Actually, for anyone out there who needs to gain weight, which I really struggle with wrapping my head around, this is a great way to gain it. Try to lose it! Hahahaha!!! OK, back to my plan.

I am going to lay it all out on the table. I'm going to open myself up, make myself vulnerable and be completely, 100% honest with myself and everyone out there. I am going to document all the humiliating, gory details. Why? Well, to be perfectly honest, I use food to fill a void and most of the time that void is loneliness. There are times... many times, when I feel completely alone with no one to talk to, no one who really understands how I feel, no one to turn to for comfort. Other times I use food to deal with boredom, stress, worry, sadness... the list is endless. Usually, instead of facing the emotions I'm feeling and figuring out what they are and why I'm feeling them, I eat. And as much as I want to say I've changed, which I have made some changes, I still have a long way to go.

I have become a master of disguise, manipulation and deceit. So instead of continuing in those unhealthy patterns I've decided to use my blog to help me overcome some of the destructive habits I have formed in my life. Man, this is going to be embarrassing. But I think it's what I need to do.

To start off I need to say that I am not looking for someone to solve my problems for me. Trust me. I know what I need to do to lose weight. I just struggle with the execution of it. This is my problem and I need to fix it. But I know I can't do it alone. I need the strength, guidance and love of my Heavenly Father. And I need the love and support of my family and friends. I don't need anyone to tell me what I'm doing wrong. I already know. I just need love and support and occasionally, when I ask for it, some words of advice. So here it goes.

WEIGHT - I'm not going to share the exact number. I don't think I can do that just yet. But it's bad. If you watch The Biggest Loser I can tell you that I weigh less than the heaviest woman on Season 8 and more than the heaviest woman on Season 7. But that's as close as I get to publicizing it just now. I do keep track and I weigh myself weekly. Recently that number has started to creep up again. Depressing.

EXERCISE - I have plenty of gadgets at home so I don't really need to join a gym. I have 20 or more DVDs. I have all The Biggest Loser books, several low calorie/light cookbooks, a treadmill, a bike on a trainer and a community lap pool. A few weeks ago I did a couple of TBL (The Biggest Loser) DVDs but my knees were killing me by the end of them. I need to do something that is less strenuous on my knees for a while. Swimming is the ultimate exercise, but it's so humiliating going in public in a swim suit. But thanks so some late night instant messaging with my mom, I plucked up the courage to go one morning and I did it!!! I forgot how much I love swimming. It felt so good to get in the pool and do laps. I am so out of shape so it is VERY slow going right now. But when I go I go for an hour. Last week I went on Thursday and Friday. Thursday I did 42 laps in the 25 meter pool in an hour. Friday I did 54 and didn't feel that much more tired than I did on Thursday. But I haven't gone at all this week. I've found excuses not to go. But I'm committing to myself to go tomorrow morning. I've also started riding my bike again, which I really haven't done in a very long time. When I got on it for the first time in months, I almost couldn't get on. I felt very uncoordinated. And once on I was so afraid I was going to break it. I also couldn't ride for very long. I'd ride for a minute or so and rest for a minute, then ride, then rest. How sad and pathetic is that? But I played that cat and mouse game for 30 minutes. I did it 2 days last week, but haven't ridden it this week. It also hurts my arms and shoulders to hold myself up for that long. (See what I mean. This is quite humiliating.)

FOOD - So you want to know what I've eaten today? It's quite tragic. For breakfast I had milk and cookies... literally. And for lunch I had tuna and tortilla chips. Healthy? Hardly, especially since I think I ate at least 8 cookies and they were the big Costco kind. I didn't eat very many chips or that much tuna, but only because I got interrupted by a phone call. By the time I got off the phone I had my head collected and just put the food away. But at this very moment I just want to eat. Probably mostly since I am putting this all out there for the world to stomp on and making myself very vulnerable. I think I'm really just thirsty since I really haven't had anything to drink since the milk at breakfast. OK, I'm going to go get some water right now before I eat ANYTHING.

I hope this isn't a horrible mistake. I just feel that if I can be accountable to someone... or everyone for that matter then I may make life long changes once and for all. Trying to hide it, acting like there isn't a problem and keeping it to myself just hasn't worked at all over the years. So here I am. All of me. The real me. No more hiding. No more pretending. Just me.