Happy Halloween

My California niece and nephews

(minus one little baseball player).

Zachary was a baseball.

He was just pretty much in a daze all night.

Dominic was a lego. He fell and couldn't get up.

My Utah nephew, Hazen. I didn't get to spend Halloween with him, but his parents posted some pictures of this adorable little fireman.

This kid makes the best faces!

Every Little Thing Counts

I've been trying to get back in the grove of things since I got back from vacation. It's hard to snap back into the routine of things, especially when your normal routine isn't that normal. But I did want to pat myself on the back for a couple successful moments.

Night time is usually the hardest time for me. I just want to munch and munch and munch and munch. It kills me sometimes. Actually, my night time munching is probably what is killing me losing weight. But last week I had a few good nights. Tuesday night I was feeling that uncontrollable urge to eat and I was fighting it. Have you ever had an internal war with yourself? It's exhausting. I have them all the time! Tuesday night I was feeling myself lose the battle, which if you think about it, if I'm fighting with myself, I can't really lose, can I? Either way I win. OK... so not the point. Anyway, you get what I mean. So back to Tuesday night. I went into the kitchen and looked around, but nothing was speaking to me. Good thing! I didn't want to eat, but that urge is indescribable. I really can't explain it. It almost has a life of its own and sometimes I really do feel powerless against it. But that night I decided to grab a Fiber One bar and head to bed. When I got in bed, the urge to eat had subsided and I didn't even eat the Fiber One bar. YEAH!!!

Wednesday night I was living it all over again. I did have 2 Fiber One bars, but that was it. No 4th meal, no never ending snacking, no binging. Just 2 Fiber One bars and that was that. Now if I could overcome that uncontrollable urge like that everyday, we'd be in business! Slowly but surely, right?

Back in the Saddle Again

Well, I'm back at the keyboard again. Part of my reason for not blogging recently is simply being on vacation with little to no internet access. Plus, I was on vacation to visit a friend, not to blog. But even if I hadn't been on vacation, I still probably wouldn't have written. I've been avoiding it, although not completely conciously. If anyone had asked me, I woudn't have admitted it mainly because I didn't realize that's what I was doing at the time. I started this new focus of my blog for me, to help me learn how to do this for myself. But I let the negative opinions of others affect me and shake my confidence. I just needed to remember that I'm doing this for me and not for anyone else. I do appreciate all the support and the positive and uplifting comments. But I don't want to be one of those hypocritical people who only allows positive feedback. So I welcome any and all comments... the good, the bad and the ugly. But I have a new resolve. I know me. I know what I'm feeling and why. I know where I'm at and where I want to go. I don't have to accept every opinion that is shared. I will remember that they are just that... opinions and won't necessarily be true or right. But who knows. There may be something in them that will help me improve. And for all the stupid, rude and inane things that may or may not be said, well, if you share your opinion with me, then I will most certainly share mine with you... the good, the bad and the ugly!

Note to Self

I've had kind of a rough week, as is evident in my lack of posts. And it wasn't until tonight that I realized why. Have you ever just felt off center and you can't pinpoint why, but you can't seem to pull it together? And then everything, including the small stuff, just feels so overwhelming you can't seem to make even the simplest of decisions? Well, that was my week and as hard as I tried I couldn't seem to get back on track with eating healthy, exercising and studying for the GRE. Those 3 things were supposed to be my main focus during this time of unemployment and the more time that goes by the more panicked and frustrated I get because I don't feel I'm at where I want to be at with any of those things. And the more I think about it all, the more frustrated and panicked I get thinking about how much of my future relies on what I can accomplish now and it just continues to snow ball. Last night I was thinking about all this when I realized/remembered that this is something I do quite often and is something I'm trying to overcome. I felt a sense of relief when I realized/remembered this. Instead of focusing on the whole picture, I will focus on today, taking it day by day, hour by hour. Can't eat the whole elephant at once.

I'd like to say a few things that have been weighing heavily on my mind this week, mostly for myself and maybe for a reader or two of my blog. I'm writing about my weight loss journey for myself. Perhaps my experiences will help someone else out there, maybe not. But my purpose is to help me through the next phase of my journey. This will be a life long pursuit. I'm not expecting to lose weight and be done with it. I'm not expecting to reach a "finish line". What I am expecting to do is to face each individual roadblock, accept it and learn how to get over it. Some roadblocks may take a considerable amount of time to deal with. Some I may come face to face with more than once. For me, most of my roadblocks are emotional. I'm sure most people don't get it. But that doesn't matter. I know what I've been through. I know what I've already overcome. I know that I am ready to begin the journey to permanent, life long changes. I know I will succeed. I have already succeeded in the past at losing weight. But it's not just about losing pounds and my past is proof of that. I reached hurdles that I wasn't ready to cross and ended up taking a few steps back. Haha... OK, maybe huge tumbles down the cliff backwards. But that's OK. It's all part of life, learning and moving forward. In writing about the difficult moments, I'm not making excuses for my mistakes or expecting sympathy. This blog is proof of that. I'm admitting that I'm not perfect, that I make mistakes. By writing about it I lay it out before me, to look at it and deal with it. Most of the time I'm surprised at what I see. It quantifies it for me and puts it into perspective. It helps me to figure out why I keep making the same mistakes over and over. And hopefully it will help so the next time I hit the same road block I will be aware of what's happening and I will be able to overcome it instead of give in.

There is so much more I wanted to write. But it's late and I'm exhausted and rather than try to hash it all out right now, I'm going to go to bed and write more at another time. And like my friend Kirsten said, tomorrow is a new day and I'll make a fresh start.

My Week in Review

Ooops! It's been a week since I've blogged. I'm sure there are some who may be wondering if I've given up. No, I haven't. But I will admit that I've fallen off the bandwagon a few times. I've even thought about not writing about it... forgeting about it... pretending that it never happened. But that is the very reason why I started writing about this all in the first place. Avoiding the slip ups or the "negative" is not helpful. Laying it all out there and facing it head on is what I need to do to "make the weak things become strong". Some people may think that writing about the stumbles and falls is just focusing on the negative. But it's not. By writing it all down I'm saying, yes, I had a low point, I gave in and this is what I did. I admit it. Not only to anyone who reads my blog, but most importantly, to myself. And it's OK. I'm OK. I'm not a failure, and anyone who thinks I am can SUCK IT!!! Then I pick myself up and move on. Will I stumble and fall again. Most definitely. But guess what?!?! I'm not perfect. (Shock! Gasp! "NO!") And here's another one... NEITHER ARE YOU!!! As far as I remember there's only ever been one perfect person on this earth and he lived nearly 2000 years ago.


OK, I digress. Here are a couple of successes I had over the last week. Friday night I drove down to my sister, Brenda's, apartment for dinner. Our brother, Brian, and his family met us down there. After dinner I left to go home with the intention of stopping at the grocery store. But as I drove that all too familiar feeling of desperation for food came over me. I wanted a big slice of carrot cake from Safeway or chocolate or Taco Bell. I knew that if I stopped at the grocery store that I would get the carrot cake, probably some chocolate to go along with it and anything else that struck my fancy at that moment. And then I'd be mad at myself for buying all that stuff, so I'd decide to bag it all, go through the Taco Bell drive-thru and then go home and proceed to eat most of it if not all. I really did need to get some groceries, but I knew I could not stop. So I just drove straight home. Once I got home I ate a Fiber One bar and I was good. I was so relieved and pretty freakin' proud of myself.