Note to Self

I've had kind of a rough week, as is evident in my lack of posts. And it wasn't until tonight that I realized why. Have you ever just felt off center and you can't pinpoint why, but you can't seem to pull it together? And then everything, including the small stuff, just feels so overwhelming you can't seem to make even the simplest of decisions? Well, that was my week and as hard as I tried I couldn't seem to get back on track with eating healthy, exercising and studying for the GRE. Those 3 things were supposed to be my main focus during this time of unemployment and the more time that goes by the more panicked and frustrated I get because I don't feel I'm at where I want to be at with any of those things. And the more I think about it all, the more frustrated and panicked I get thinking about how much of my future relies on what I can accomplish now and it just continues to snow ball. Last night I was thinking about all this when I realized/remembered that this is something I do quite often and is something I'm trying to overcome. I felt a sense of relief when I realized/remembered this. Instead of focusing on the whole picture, I will focus on today, taking it day by day, hour by hour. Can't eat the whole elephant at once.

I'd like to say a few things that have been weighing heavily on my mind this week, mostly for myself and maybe for a reader or two of my blog. I'm writing about my weight loss journey for myself. Perhaps my experiences will help someone else out there, maybe not. But my purpose is to help me through the next phase of my journey. This will be a life long pursuit. I'm not expecting to lose weight and be done with it. I'm not expecting to reach a "finish line". What I am expecting to do is to face each individual roadblock, accept it and learn how to get over it. Some roadblocks may take a considerable amount of time to deal with. Some I may come face to face with more than once. For me, most of my roadblocks are emotional. I'm sure most people don't get it. But that doesn't matter. I know what I've been through. I know what I've already overcome. I know that I am ready to begin the journey to permanent, life long changes. I know I will succeed. I have already succeeded in the past at losing weight. But it's not just about losing pounds and my past is proof of that. I reached hurdles that I wasn't ready to cross and ended up taking a few steps back. Haha... OK, maybe huge tumbles down the cliff backwards. But that's OK. It's all part of life, learning and moving forward. In writing about the difficult moments, I'm not making excuses for my mistakes or expecting sympathy. This blog is proof of that. I'm admitting that I'm not perfect, that I make mistakes. By writing about it I lay it out before me, to look at it and deal with it. Most of the time I'm surprised at what I see. It quantifies it for me and puts it into perspective. It helps me to figure out why I keep making the same mistakes over and over. And hopefully it will help so the next time I hit the same road block I will be aware of what's happening and I will be able to overcome it instead of give in.

There is so much more I wanted to write. But it's late and I'm exhausted and rather than try to hash it all out right now, I'm going to go to bed and write more at another time. And like my friend Kirsten said, tomorrow is a new day and I'll make a fresh start.