Avoiding the Ugly Truth

I started this blog to be completely honest with myself, to lay it all out on the table so I can see it in front of me and learn how to deal with it. Well, I haven't been lately. I've regressed a little into familiar unhealthy habits where my eating gets out of control and I try to ignore it. I had a few good days last week and then came Friday. Friday is my new weigh-in day. I hadn't stepped on the scale for a few weeks, so I was expecting a pretty good weight loss. I had had a couple of good weeks and thought I'd see a difference. Well, when I got on the scale I only saw a difference of 0.8 lbs. Not the number I was expecting and it bothered me more than I realized. Do you know how frustrating it is to think you're doing well at something only to find out that you're not? It knocked me off my feet, emotionally. I tried holding it together as best I could, but Saturday night after an evening trick-or-treating with the niece and nephews, I hit a low point. I stopped by the grocery store (I really did need to pick-up a few things), but my resistance to buying bad stuff was non-existent. I bought bean dip, artichoke dip, macaroni salad, potato salad and a bag of Reese Peanut Butter candy. All that and the pizza and cookie dough I bought Friday night was what I ate Friday through Monday. I guess one good thing was that I didn't eat it all in one sitting. In all reality it didn't make me feel better. Food doesn't seem to fill the void as well as it once did. I guess that's a good thing. I was hoping that the void would go away so I wouldn't use food to fill it. I never really thought of the void sticking around. But I guess I was looking at the void as representing one thing and once dealt with, that one thing would no longer be an issue in my life. Hence, the void would disappear. But I don't think the void is one thing. I think it comes and goes, depending on what is going on in my life. I may have had bigger issues stemming from past history, skeletons in my closet, baggage, however you want to look at it. Those things were probably the beginnings of my emotional eating and food issues. But I've dealt with those things, threw away the skeletons, unpacked the baggage if you will. So that void, the one I've been filling since childhood is gone. But others have opened up. I guess I will always have some void or another that needs to be filled. I just need to figure out how to fill it in a healthy way rather than the way I've known since I was young. OK... lists of void fillers. A topic for another day.

So that was a bizarre peek into my psyche. Scary, isn't it. But surprisingly, it helped to ramble on like that. I kind of understand it all a little bit better and isn't that the point of all this?

Anyway... back to my original topic. I'm very frustrated right now. I've eaten so many calories over the last few days and I'm feeling a bit under the weather right now so I'm not up to exercising like crazy. I just feel defeated and that I'll never be able to do this. The logical side of my brain is trying to reassure me that this is not true, and while on some level I know it isn't, I'm sure not feeling it. I definitely ate healthier today. So that's an improvement from the last few days. I guess I'm just feeling... well... panicked. For some reason I feel like I'm running out of time, like if I don't lose weight now and fast that I'm going to miss out on some really important thing in my life. To be perfectly honest, I feel like if I don't lose weight, then I'll never get married. And if I don't do it soon, well let's face it. My biological clock is ticking. OK. I think that's enough honesty for one evening. I'm really freaking myself out and what I need to do is not look at the whole big picture. Just take one day at a time and right now its 11:10pm on Tuesday, November 3, 2009. Today I had a grapefruit and scrambled egg whites with vegetables and cheese for breakfast, chocolate chip cookie dough for lunch (remnants of Friday nights food fest) and lasagna and fresh organic spinach for dinner. All in all, that's pretty good for me, especially how the past few days have gone. Its late and its been a few hours since I last ate. My stomach is rumbling, so I think I'll go make some hot chocolate and then go to bed. Sounds like a great way to end the day. Good night.