Hello Again!

I don't feel like I have much to say tonight. I was just catching up on reading my cousin-in-law's blog and felt like I really need to get back into this. So much has changed for me over the last, oh... 10 months or so since my last entry. I'm still working out at the gym, but now with a new personal trainer. I miss my old one, but my new one is awesome!!! He believes in me and I can't tell you what it means to have someone believe I can succeed, especially when I don't believe it at times. So, I'm still working out with my trainer 3 days a week and doing cardio at least 4 days a week. I started graduate school last fall, which would keep me extremely busy without everything else I have going on. I'm doing a Marriage and Family Therapy MA program at John F. Kennedy University and I am loving it!!! And then, because I thought I wasn't busy enough, I added on a part time job to the craziness. See... personal training was getting kind of expensive, so I got a job at the gym I work out at and now I have free membership and my training sessions are almost half the price of what they used to be. It's been a LONG time since I worked a part time job and I don't get paid hardly anything. But I have to remind myself of all the ways this job is helping me get healthier and I realize that I'm getting paid in many other ways. So that's what keeps me busy nowadays. I will try to keep life posted as I go along, but I make no promises.

I'M A CRIMINAL?!?!?!?!

Ladies and gentlemen... it has finally happened. For the first time in my entire life (or at least since I was 16 and driving) I have been pulled over for a traffic violation. That's 20 years people! I have to say I think that's pretty good. Granted, it would have been better had I not been pulled over, but once in 20 years isn't bad. Here's how it went down.

Police Officer (PO): Good morning, Ma'am. (Ma'am?!? She called me Ma'am!!!) Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Mmmm... no, actually I don't.

PO: Well, do you know how fast you were going?

Me: (Looking at my speedometer and having no clue.) Ummm... no, I really have no idea.

PO: Well, I clocked you at 38 in a 25.

Me: Oh.

PO: Can I see your license and registration?

Me: Sure. (Searching for the requested documentation.) You know, this is the first time I've ever been pulled over.

PO: Really?!? (Shock and aah in her voice. Then looking at my drivers license.) Well, you're definitely not 21 anymore.

Me: (What's that supposed to mean?!?! She called me Ma'am so she obviously didn't think I was 21 anymore. Maybe she was impressed that I had never been pulled over before, especially since I wasn't 21 anymore. Who knows.)

Anyway, won't bore you with any more dialogue. I have to admit I was hoping that since this was my first "offense" that she wouldn't give me a ticket. But no. As was pointed out to me by a friend, it is toward the end of the month and she has to fill her quota. She was nice and I was polite. I was speeding so I will face the consequences. As I was sitting there in my car waiting for her to come back, that thought from Marjorie Hinckley kept going through my mind. She always said that we have to be able to laugh at life, especially when the bad stuff happens or we won't be able to get through the tough times. Granted, this situation isn't that bad, but that's what I was thinking as I was waiting for my paperwork. I just sat in my car and laughed. I actually drove away feeling amused and actually happy, not upset. I had just had a first. I had never had that experience before and now I have and I just kept laughing. And my ticket? It's tacked up on my bulletin board. I'm strangely proud of it. How weird is that!?!?

Kind of Freaky

As you may know, a couple of years ago I moved back home to house sit for my parents while they served a mission in Paraguay. But before I did I lived with a good friend in this (picture above) apartment complex. The complex is positioned sideways so that the side of the building is facing the street. We lived on the first floor almost at the end, which was great because we didn't have any street noise. When I moved my former roommate, Sarah, moved out as well and got her own apartment. Well... she called me the other night to tell me that she heard that our old apartment building burned down! WHAT!?!? We went on the Internet and found an article about the fire and sure enough, it was in the building we had lived in just 2 years ago and the article said that 8 of the 12 apartments in the complex are uninhabitable! HELLO!?!?!? So she drove by the next day and took this picture. Unfortunately, you can't see much of the damage except for the roof that is partially caved in and some windows on the 2nd floor that are boarded up. In this picture you can't see the back porch of my old apartment because the white truck is in the driveway and blocking the view. But you can see that a fence has been put up to keep people from walking down the right side of the building, which is how you get to the front doors of each apartment.

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How crazy is that?!?! Sarah and I were kind of in shock wondering if we still would have been living there if I hadn't moved home to house sit. We loved living there and aside from my being laid off last year, there really wasn't any reason or desire to move. My heart goes out to my former neighbors who still lived there at the time of the fire. No one was hurt, thankfully, but so much was lost. I don't think I could have handled going through something like that. I have often wondered what I would do if I lost everything I own. On the one hand it is just stuff. But I'm pretty good at not holding on to junk and unnecessary things. The things I do keep are essential to daily living or hold special meaning and memories. It would mean a lot of heartache to lose some of the keepsakes I have and I don't need any more heartache than I already have. I mean, let's face it, I don't have the greatest love life. Heartache is all I really know when it comes to that... but I digress. This is not an homage to my sad, pathetic love life. I'll save that for another day.

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Thinking about whether or not I could have still been living in Palo Alto and been a victim of this fire got me thinking about how one seemingly small and simple change can make a huge difference in the next stages of my life. I'll be the first to admit that I was very worried about moving back "home". I don't like to move backwards. I prefer moving forwards, doing something different, exciting and new. Moving home was moving back to somewhere I had already lived, on more than one occasion. But so many great things have come into my life because of it. Because I've been living at my parent's house essentially rent free, I didn't have to panic and stress out when I first learned that I could lose my job. Granted, there was the initial "Holy Crap!!!" freak out, but I was calm knowing that I would be able to manage financially. Then there was the decision to go back to school for a master's degree. I've been mulling over the idea for years, but the thought of giving up a lucrative career wasn't appealing to me. Being laid off gave me the push or the go ahead to continue my education. And also, not having a job has allowed me for the first time in my life to focus solely on my health and to be in this particular part of the Bay Area, to join the specific gym I joined and be paired up with the specific trainer I have. It's no coincidence that EJ is my trainer, which he agrees with and has told me on more than one occasion. Aren't we told in the gospel that we are blessed with certain talents to help other people? Well, he is gifted and very good at what he does and is teaching me so I can literally save my life. I may not have the life that when I was younger I had hoped for. But this much I do know. Heavenly Father knows what we need and where we need to be, and if we ask Him and listen to Him and move forward with the things He wants us to do (even when it makes no logical sense!!!), we will be right where we are supposed to be. And maybe even saved from having to endure an apartment fire.

The Numbers Just Keep Going Down

I haven't written an update in a few weeks, so here's the good news. This last week I lost 6.2 lbs. YEAH!!! All total that is 66.8 lbs lost without any crazy diet, starvation, or major medical procedure. I work with a personal trainer 3 days a week, 2 hours of cardio 6 days a week, eat healthy and keep track of what I eat each day. It's starting to feel normal, like a habit and that is exciting. I still have my moments when I slip, but they are few and far between and smaller in size when they do happen. And there are days when I feel like I'm forcing myself to go to the gym, but I still do it and feel so much better after I go. I feel great and happy and proud of myself. I can do this! I can take this to the bitter end! I will.

Woo Hoo!!!

I don't know how many people sent good vibes my way yesterday, but I'm going to pretend it was everyone. Yesterday was weigh in day for me and I lost a whopping 8 lbs last week! Yes, you read it right... 8 as in "eight"... as in woo hoo!!! I'm feeling on top of the world today and feeling that this huge task before me is conquerable. Bring it on, world. I can take it.

Back in the Saddle Again

Why hello, family, friends and anyone else who for some earthly reason reads my blog. I've been out of touch for quite a while but am once again in blogging mode. Aren't you excited!? (I'm being sarcastic.)

So, the last time I blogged I was sharing my ups and downs with my struggle to lose weight. I admit that my last entry was me sharing my frustrations about a definite bump in the road, but it did not derail me. To update all my loyal blog readers, I joined 24 Hour Fitness (I signed a 3 year membership contract - talk about commitment!!!) and hired a personal trainer. Yep, I have my own Bob Harper (the trainer on "The Biggest Loser" for anyone who doesn't watch TV.) and I am loving it. It's definitely hard and I've had my share of injuries in the 3 short months I've been doing this, but I feel great. I've lost 33.4 lbs. YEAH!!! I have to celebrate this even though I am a little discouraged it's not more. I am up to working out with my trainer 3 days a week for 50 minutes and 6 days a week of 1 hour and 10 minutes of cardio. I'm also cutting calories and changing my eating habits and have been able to keep my daily caloric intake down to around 1800 calories a day. With all this 2 weeks ago I lost a whopping 0, yes, a big fat ZERO pounds. Last week it was a whole 1.4 lbs. It's been extremely hard this last few weeks to not let myself get too discouraged. Part of me says, what's the point. But I have to have faith that it will eventually come off. Besides, my trainer has already said he won't let me quit. He will risk being fired and getting arrested before he let's me give up. How's that for dedication? I love it!

So that's where I'm at. Tomorrow is my big weigh in for the week. Send good vibes my way. I'm hoping for a good weight loss.

Avoiding the Ugly Truth

I started this blog to be completely honest with myself, to lay it all out on the table so I can see it in front of me and learn how to deal with it. Well, I haven't been lately. I've regressed a little into familiar unhealthy habits where my eating gets out of control and I try to ignore it. I had a few good days last week and then came Friday. Friday is my new weigh-in day. I hadn't stepped on the scale for a few weeks, so I was expecting a pretty good weight loss. I had had a couple of good weeks and thought I'd see a difference. Well, when I got on the scale I only saw a difference of 0.8 lbs. Not the number I was expecting and it bothered me more than I realized. Do you know how frustrating it is to think you're doing well at something only to find out that you're not? It knocked me off my feet, emotionally. I tried holding it together as best I could, but Saturday night after an evening trick-or-treating with the niece and nephews, I hit a low point. I stopped by the grocery store (I really did need to pick-up a few things), but my resistance to buying bad stuff was non-existent. I bought bean dip, artichoke dip, macaroni salad, potato salad and a bag of Reese Peanut Butter candy. All that and the pizza and cookie dough I bought Friday night was what I ate Friday through Monday. I guess one good thing was that I didn't eat it all in one sitting. In all reality it didn't make me feel better. Food doesn't seem to fill the void as well as it once did. I guess that's a good thing. I was hoping that the void would go away so I wouldn't use food to fill it. I never really thought of the void sticking around. But I guess I was looking at the void as representing one thing and once dealt with, that one thing would no longer be an issue in my life. Hence, the void would disappear. But I don't think the void is one thing. I think it comes and goes, depending on what is going on in my life. I may have had bigger issues stemming from past history, skeletons in my closet, baggage, however you want to look at it. Those things were probably the beginnings of my emotional eating and food issues. But I've dealt with those things, threw away the skeletons, unpacked the baggage if you will. So that void, the one I've been filling since childhood is gone. But others have opened up. I guess I will always have some void or another that needs to be filled. I just need to figure out how to fill it in a healthy way rather than the way I've known since I was young. OK... lists of void fillers. A topic for another day.

So that was a bizarre peek into my psyche. Scary, isn't it. But surprisingly, it helped to ramble on like that. I kind of understand it all a little bit better and isn't that the point of all this?

Anyway... back to my original topic. I'm very frustrated right now. I've eaten so many calories over the last few days and I'm feeling a bit under the weather right now so I'm not up to exercising like crazy. I just feel defeated and that I'll never be able to do this. The logical side of my brain is trying to reassure me that this is not true, and while on some level I know it isn't, I'm sure not feeling it. I definitely ate healthier today. So that's an improvement from the last few days. I guess I'm just feeling... well... panicked. For some reason I feel like I'm running out of time, like if I don't lose weight now and fast that I'm going to miss out on some really important thing in my life. To be perfectly honest, I feel like if I don't lose weight, then I'll never get married. And if I don't do it soon, well let's face it. My biological clock is ticking. OK. I think that's enough honesty for one evening. I'm really freaking myself out and what I need to do is not look at the whole big picture. Just take one day at a time and right now its 11:10pm on Tuesday, November 3, 2009. Today I had a grapefruit and scrambled egg whites with vegetables and cheese for breakfast, chocolate chip cookie dough for lunch (remnants of Friday nights food fest) and lasagna and fresh organic spinach for dinner. All in all, that's pretty good for me, especially how the past few days have gone. Its late and its been a few hours since I last ate. My stomach is rumbling, so I think I'll go make some hot chocolate and then go to bed. Sounds like a great way to end the day. Good night.

Happy Halloween

My California niece and nephews

(minus one little baseball player).

Zachary was a baseball.

He was just pretty much in a daze all night.

Dominic was a lego. He fell and couldn't get up.

My Utah nephew, Hazen. I didn't get to spend Halloween with him, but his parents posted some pictures of this adorable little fireman.

This kid makes the best faces!

Every Little Thing Counts

I've been trying to get back in the grove of things since I got back from vacation. It's hard to snap back into the routine of things, especially when your normal routine isn't that normal. But I did want to pat myself on the back for a couple successful moments.

Night time is usually the hardest time for me. I just want to munch and munch and munch and munch. It kills me sometimes. Actually, my night time munching is probably what is killing me losing weight. But last week I had a few good nights. Tuesday night I was feeling that uncontrollable urge to eat and I was fighting it. Have you ever had an internal war with yourself? It's exhausting. I have them all the time! Tuesday night I was feeling myself lose the battle, which if you think about it, if I'm fighting with myself, I can't really lose, can I? Either way I win. OK... so not the point. Anyway, you get what I mean. So back to Tuesday night. I went into the kitchen and looked around, but nothing was speaking to me. Good thing! I didn't want to eat, but that urge is indescribable. I really can't explain it. It almost has a life of its own and sometimes I really do feel powerless against it. But that night I decided to grab a Fiber One bar and head to bed. When I got in bed, the urge to eat had subsided and I didn't even eat the Fiber One bar. YEAH!!!

Wednesday night I was living it all over again. I did have 2 Fiber One bars, but that was it. No 4th meal, no never ending snacking, no binging. Just 2 Fiber One bars and that was that. Now if I could overcome that uncontrollable urge like that everyday, we'd be in business! Slowly but surely, right?

Back in the Saddle Again

Well, I'm back at the keyboard again. Part of my reason for not blogging recently is simply being on vacation with little to no internet access. Plus, I was on vacation to visit a friend, not to blog. But even if I hadn't been on vacation, I still probably wouldn't have written. I've been avoiding it, although not completely conciously. If anyone had asked me, I woudn't have admitted it mainly because I didn't realize that's what I was doing at the time. I started this new focus of my blog for me, to help me learn how to do this for myself. But I let the negative opinions of others affect me and shake my confidence. I just needed to remember that I'm doing this for me and not for anyone else. I do appreciate all the support and the positive and uplifting comments. But I don't want to be one of those hypocritical people who only allows positive feedback. So I welcome any and all comments... the good, the bad and the ugly. But I have a new resolve. I know me. I know what I'm feeling and why. I know where I'm at and where I want to go. I don't have to accept every opinion that is shared. I will remember that they are just that... opinions and won't necessarily be true or right. But who knows. There may be something in them that will help me improve. And for all the stupid, rude and inane things that may or may not be said, well, if you share your opinion with me, then I will most certainly share mine with you... the good, the bad and the ugly!