A Personal Win!!!

OK. I don't want to spend all my time blogging about the negative parts of losing weight. Yes, it is a struggle and I've broken it down into taking it not a day at a time but an hour at a time. And last night was no exception. My neighbors work for Safeway and get a lot of product for free. They just don't have the freezer space for all of it and my parent's being the good Mormons they are have a huge freezer in their garage for food storage. So my neighbors store some of the food in our freezer and come and get it when they need to. They do share with us, quite a bit actually and they have said that we are free to whatever they have stored in the freezer. There is frozen chocolate chip cookie dough in there right now. I'll admit it. I've dug into that in the past few months and it wasn't pretty. I've never eaten a whole package in one sitting, but I have downed half a package in one sitting before. Well, last night I was craving something and remembered that there is still some cookie dough in the freezer. I sat in the living room debating over eating it for at least a half an hour. In the end I went and got it and brought it in. But before I sat down to eat it I had a change of mind. I put it back and had grabbed a Fiber One granola bar and glass of chocolate milk instead. FAR FEWER CALORIES!!! And it hit the spot. I was good. And I felt great!!! And this morning I went swimming, so it's been a great 24hours.

As for the food I ate today... not too bad. I started out good, following TBL meal plan for the most part. But by dinner time I followed my own plan, which as history will show is not as healthy as TBL meal plan. But I will give myself a pat on the back for not over-doing it at dinner. AND... I'VE KEPT TRACK OF EVERYTHING I'VE EATEN TODAY!!! That is huge in and of itself. I can do this.

I have to admit that I am a little surprised by my calorie intake for today. Here's the breakdown:
Recommended Actual
Calories: 2,000 2,801
Carbs: 240g 315g
Fat: 70g 114g
Protein: 120g 147g
Fiber: 44g 48g
Sodium: 3,425mg 5,577mg

Doesn't look that great when you look at it side by side. But sadly, this is better than most days. OK. I won't be depressed. This is a process and I'm taking the first steps by writing it all down and being 100% completely honest with myself. Awareness is the first step, right?

Well, I feel like ending a pretty good day on a good note. I'm going to go ride my bike and watch one of my favorite Monday night shows - "The Big Bang Theory". Very funny. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it.

I can't end this entry without saying thank you to everyone for their support and encouragement. It makes it so much easier to do this knowing I have all of you behind me. Thank you and I love you.

So Far... Not So Good

SERIOUSLY!?!?!? Not even one day! Yet. OK. Keep the positive in mind. No, I did not go swimming this morning. But yes, I did get plenty of sleep. No, I haven't followed the TBL meal plan for today like I had planned, but I am at least writing down everything that I have eaten. OK. Not a total loss. But yet so very frustrating. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, but I'm so good at that. I'm just afraid of saying, "Oh, it's OK. Tomorrow is another day. Just start fresh then." That's what got me into this mess in the first place. Oh, I'll start tomorrow, or next week or January 1st as my New Year's Resolution. If that worked I wouldn't be in this position right now. Aaaaahhhhhh!!!! And then there's the age old advice of "just do it" in the first place and then I wouldn't be upset at myself and planning to start over tomorrow... AGAIN! Well, if that was so easy than I wouldn't have a weight problem now, would I?

Now, normally this is where I would say "SCREW IT!!!" and go get some really naughty food and plop in front of the TV for the rest of the night and eat. But I'm not going to do it. As much as I really want to... (whine, whine, whine) and I REALLY want to... I'm not going to give up. I'm still going to keep track of everything I eat today. I'm not going to pig out tonight. I'll have a sensible dinner, which means I'll keep the calories low, the fiber up and include A LOT of veggies and instead of sitting down with everything in front of me and eating until I'm full (which I do A LOT), I'll fix a plate with appropriate portion sizes and put the rest away. AND... I'm going to go ride my bicycle right now. Who cares if there are other things to do. I need to start taking care of myself.

The Real Me

This is my blog, right? I can write whatever I want on here, right? I'm not asking these questions of anyone who is reading my blog, but of myself. And not to literally ask myself, but to build up the courage to use my blog for something quite personal. But it's time. It's my time and this is what I have to do.

You know how they say that to lose weight it's easier if you have a buddy to do it along with you? Well, I've tried that before, but it only works as long as I am honest with myself and with those I've chosen to be my "buddy". Well, to be perfectly honest, I haven't been. I start out with great intentions and then I slip. Everybody slips at times, right? Yes, but I have a tendency to be extremely hard on myself. So when I slip I allow it to become a cataclysmic event and I fall hard, which leads to depression and A LOT... and I mean A LOT... of eating, which just leads to gaining more weight, a new resolve to lose it, an attempt at a new diet plan, short term success, a struggle, the slip, the cataclysmic fall and depression all over again. My weight loss cycle. Actually, for anyone out there who needs to gain weight, which I really struggle with wrapping my head around, this is a great way to gain it. Try to lose it! Hahahaha!!! OK, back to my plan.

I am going to lay it all out on the table. I'm going to open myself up, make myself vulnerable and be completely, 100% honest with myself and everyone out there. I am going to document all the humiliating, gory details. Why? Well, to be perfectly honest, I use food to fill a void and most of the time that void is loneliness. There are times... many times, when I feel completely alone with no one to talk to, no one who really understands how I feel, no one to turn to for comfort. Other times I use food to deal with boredom, stress, worry, sadness... the list is endless. Usually, instead of facing the emotions I'm feeling and figuring out what they are and why I'm feeling them, I eat. And as much as I want to say I've changed, which I have made some changes, I still have a long way to go.

I have become a master of disguise, manipulation and deceit. So instead of continuing in those unhealthy patterns I've decided to use my blog to help me overcome some of the destructive habits I have formed in my life. Man, this is going to be embarrassing. But I think it's what I need to do.

To start off I need to say that I am not looking for someone to solve my problems for me. Trust me. I know what I need to do to lose weight. I just struggle with the execution of it. This is my problem and I need to fix it. But I know I can't do it alone. I need the strength, guidance and love of my Heavenly Father. And I need the love and support of my family and friends. I don't need anyone to tell me what I'm doing wrong. I already know. I just need love and support and occasionally, when I ask for it, some words of advice. So here it goes.

WEIGHT - I'm not going to share the exact number. I don't think I can do that just yet. But it's bad. If you watch The Biggest Loser I can tell you that I weigh less than the heaviest woman on Season 8 and more than the heaviest woman on Season 7. But that's as close as I get to publicizing it just now. I do keep track and I weigh myself weekly. Recently that number has started to creep up again. Depressing.

EXERCISE - I have plenty of gadgets at home so I don't really need to join a gym. I have 20 or more DVDs. I have all The Biggest Loser books, several low calorie/light cookbooks, a treadmill, a bike on a trainer and a community lap pool. A few weeks ago I did a couple of TBL (The Biggest Loser) DVDs but my knees were killing me by the end of them. I need to do something that is less strenuous on my knees for a while. Swimming is the ultimate exercise, but it's so humiliating going in public in a swim suit. But thanks so some late night instant messaging with my mom, I plucked up the courage to go one morning and I did it!!! I forgot how much I love swimming. It felt so good to get in the pool and do laps. I am so out of shape so it is VERY slow going right now. But when I go I go for an hour. Last week I went on Thursday and Friday. Thursday I did 42 laps in the 25 meter pool in an hour. Friday I did 54 and didn't feel that much more tired than I did on Thursday. But I haven't gone at all this week. I've found excuses not to go. But I'm committing to myself to go tomorrow morning. I've also started riding my bike again, which I really haven't done in a very long time. When I got on it for the first time in months, I almost couldn't get on. I felt very uncoordinated. And once on I was so afraid I was going to break it. I also couldn't ride for very long. I'd ride for a minute or so and rest for a minute, then ride, then rest. How sad and pathetic is that? But I played that cat and mouse game for 30 minutes. I did it 2 days last week, but haven't ridden it this week. It also hurts my arms and shoulders to hold myself up for that long. (See what I mean. This is quite humiliating.)

FOOD - So you want to know what I've eaten today? It's quite tragic. For breakfast I had milk and cookies... literally. And for lunch I had tuna and tortilla chips. Healthy? Hardly, especially since I think I ate at least 8 cookies and they were the big Costco kind. I didn't eat very many chips or that much tuna, but only because I got interrupted by a phone call. By the time I got off the phone I had my head collected and just put the food away. But at this very moment I just want to eat. Probably mostly since I am putting this all out there for the world to stomp on and making myself very vulnerable. I think I'm really just thirsty since I really haven't had anything to drink since the milk at breakfast. OK, I'm going to go get some water right now before I eat ANYTHING.

I hope this isn't a horrible mistake. I just feel that if I can be accountable to someone... or everyone for that matter then I may make life long changes once and for all. Trying to hide it, acting like there isn't a problem and keeping it to myself just hasn't worked at all over the years. So here I am. All of me. The real me. No more hiding. No more pretending. Just me.

The Stars are Bright

I'm on the next leg of my trip. "Next leg?" you may be wondering. Yes, when I started out on this little road trip, I didn't have a set plan. The only thing I really knew for sure was that I was going to spend about a week with my sister in Weiser, Idaho. I had thought I might make a trip east to the Idaho Falls area to visit more family and friends. Well, plans solidified and I made the road trip to Swan Valley, a small little town about 45 minutes north east of Idaho Falls, to visit my friend, Chenoa and her family. It was about 9:00pm when I rolled into town, so I haven't seen much of it, but from what I understand, there isn't much to see. I'll get to see it in daylight tomorrow. But the drive in was great. Outside Idaho Falls the terrain changes. There are hills and mountains, valleys, rivers and creeks. It's actually quite beautiful. I am pleasantly surprised and now I can't wait to see it in the daylight.

But the most impressive thing so far is the night sky. Living in the San Francisco Bay Area, I don't get a complete view of the heavens. There are just too many city lights. But out here where the only lights are from the few scattered homes, it's pitch black and the stars are beautiful. I forget how many there really are and how bright they are. I love living near a large city like San Francisco, but there sure are some impressive advantages to living in the country.

My Glimpse into Motherhood

This year my brother and my sister-in-law celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary. Congrats to Brian and Tammy!!! I thought this was an important milestone that they should be able to celebrate sans children. So I offered my babysitting services so that he could whisk his lovely wife off to a romantic getaway... whatever. It's my brother. That's about as far as I'm willing to go on the road of romantic thoughts.


At the time when I offered to take the kids for a few days, I assumed it would be a weekend and that my sister, Brenda, would come up and we'd do it together. That was the plan... initially. But my brother decided to take time off work and go in the middle of the week during the summer when the kids didn't have school. Fine for me. I was recently laid off and have all the time in the world. But my sister? She had already planned this awesome trip to Australia (camping in the outback and scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef) and couldn't take any more time off especially only a few days before the scheduled trip. So I got to babysit all 4 kids by myself, ages 14 months to 8 years. No problem, right? I'm the oldest of 5 kids, babysat for years during Junior High and High School and already absolutely love spending time with my niece and nephews. Boy was I in for a rude awakening.

Don't get me wrong. I love them so much and had a great time. But my eyes were definitely opened to a minute portion of what it must be like to be a mom. Benjamin is an early riser. Therefore, I was an early riser. I had gotten quite used to sleeping in since I lost my job, so getting up early again was a little tiring. Then came breakfast... and the complaints. Inevitably there was one who didn't like what had been made. The first lunch I became a short order cook and made everyone a separate meal. Learned my lesson. No wonder my mom said when we were kids that if we didn't like what was served, then we went hungry.

After breakfast (and every meal for that matter) came washing the littlest ones, getting everyone dressed, diapers changed, etc. Then I had to clean up breakfast and do the dishes to keep the kitchen in some working order. By that time the morning was half over and I was still in my pajamas. I can't remember if I showered that morning. It is all kind of a blur. I think I definitely got dressed, though. But not every day. I think the 2nd day I stayed in my PJ's all day long. It was just easier.

Then there was the matter of entertainment. Their attention wouldn't last too long on one thing and they always seemed to need my help with one thing or another. I had to take advantage of the short moments when their attention was absorbed by an activity. Then lunch time would roll around and the whole meal cycle would begin again. Post meal was more play time and they couldn't do it without me apparently. Ahhh... but nap time was my sweet haven. It was quiet time for all of them, regardless if they slept or not. They just had to lay in bed for a while. They usually fell asleep, but occasionally one or more would remain awake. That was when I had to cut my quiet time short because they could only remain quiet in bed for so long. But heaven have mercy if the one of the younger ones didn't take a nap. By 6:30/7:00 the holy terror emerged and the rest of the night I was merely in survival mode until bed time.

It always seemed to take me a long time to get them ready for bed. Four kids and me and of course none of them "want" to go to bed. By the time I got them all dressed, diapers changed, stories read and ushered upstairs and finally into a bed, I was exhausted. But the house was a disaster zone, so instead of sitting and watching TV, which is what I usually do at night to unwind, I was picking up toys, doing dishes and getting the house in some order ready for disaster to strike the next day.

At the end of the first night I had this thought, "And I really want this (to be a mom)?" I'm 36, single and no kids and I have always wanted to be a mother. But this night I actually questioned that desire. I kept thinking that I got nothing done during the day. I had a list of things I needed to do, but there was no time or energy for that matter. I was exhausted by the end of the day. And I finally got it. Occasionally I will talk to siblings or friends that are married with children and listen to them as they share with me their frustrations of being a mom. I would sometime hear how they sometimes felt that they were not contributing anything to the world nor were they doing anything worth while in their lives. I would tell them about my dull, boring working life with the not-so-interesting business trips and hear them say how exciting my life was. I didn't think so. Meanwhile I thought their lives were full of meaning and purpose by simply being mothers, raising Heavenly Father's children. But after this short experience watching my niece and nephews for 3 days, I finally understood. So to all you mothers out there, I can not express the amount of respect I have for you and all that you do each day. And for my own mother, I love you and am so eternally grateful for you.

A Morning at the Mechanics

I had to take my car in for her 15,000 mile maintenance the other morning. I took a book to read while I waited, but sometimes people watching is much more interesting and that morning was no exception. There were quite a few proud Ford owners waiting in the dealership's customer lounge for their cars. As I sat there I noticed a few things. Maybe this is not that interesting for anyone else, but as it is my blog and you are choosing to read it, then you'll just have to endure today's entry.

The first thing I noticed is the different characteristics shown by the different generations of customers. Mr. 20-something had his Starbucks in hand while sitting at one of the computers provided for customer use, surfing the Internet. Mr. Mid-life-crisis looked like he was taking time off work, whether for vacation or just to bring his car in, I don't know. Either way, he seemed to be enjoying his time off, lounging on the leather sofa in his polo shirt, khaki shorts and tennis shoes, watching TV and glancing at a golf magazine he found among all the other Sports Illustrated and car magazines provided to entertain waiting customers. Then there was Grandpa who looked obviously used to sitting and staring off into no where, patiently waiting for his car, drinking stale coffee from a cheap Styrofoam cup provided by the dealership in the customer waiting area. Watching them it was interesting to see that if I had to describe to a blind person what each of these individuals was doing, they would be able to tell generally how old they are. These 3 weren't the only one's waiting, but all the others fit into one of these three categories.

As I was observing this I noticed something that I had never really thought about before. I was the only woman. There was another girl there, but she was only about 9 or 10 and came in with her dad. Now, I'm not about to spout off some women's lib gibberish or anything like that. I just thought it was interesting. I am a single woman and have always been. If there is something that needs to be done I do it. I have to. There isn't anyone else to do it with or do it for me. Quite often if not most of the time I wish there was. It gets lonely sometimes. Plus, sometimes it is just frustrating to have to make all the decisions on my own all the time. But I do have to admit that there is a sense of satisfaction knowing that I can do it all on my own.

But back to my observation. Is it common knowledge that when in a relationship, the men take care of the cars? Or is it something that each couple makes a conscious decision about who will take care of the cars? Are there women out there who do it themselves and whose husbands/boyfriends/significant others (whatever) don't mind or prefer it that way? Or are there couples out there who each have a car and take care of theirs themselves? Why am I asking this, you may ask? Just curious. Does it matter? No, not really. It was just something I noticed that morning and wondered about. I've heard about couples where this very thing is a problem... wives taking care of the cars and husbands feeling obsolete.

So if you haven't noticed, I sometimes have these odd things come to my mind that I wonder about. This time I just thought I'd blog about it.

3 Degrees of Separation

My mom sent me an email recently that I found quite interesting. This is my one lone, distant connection with a superstar... Michael Jackson. Before I relate the story that was passed along to me I have to say that despite the great musical talent he had, I find it very disturbing that the society we live in found the passing of Michael Jackson more news worthy than the changes President Obama is trying to make for our nation. I'm not sure there isn't a soul who can't tell you where they were when they heard that MJ died. But how many people can tell you about Obama's energy bill or his universal health care plan? The man was a disturbed pedophile and I find it morally repugnant that he has been so revered. Don't get me wrong. He was somebody's son, brother, father or friend and their loss is great. I just feel there are more important things going on in this world than a musician who should have been put in jail. OK, OK. I'll get off my soap box. This is just my opinion so if anyone reads this blog and is offended by what I had to say on the matter, oh well. This is my blog and I am entitled to my opinions.

Anyway, apparently I have a second cousin who who knew MJ and with his passing was reminded of his brief encounters with the superstar. My second cousin's name is Kel. I don't believe I've ever met him, nor do I ever remember meeting his father, my mother's cousin. But I do have fond memories of his grandmother, my mother's Aunt Gladys. We used to visit her during the summers when we went to visit my grandparent's. I just remember her kindness and how much she enjoyed our visits. She has since passed away.

So, my 2nd cousin, Kel, went to college in Ohio and spent his summers with his mother in Southern California. He was athletic all his life beginning with little league when he was an all-star short stop. He is about the same age as Michael Jackson as he will be celebrating his 52nd birthday this year. So please enjoy Kel's story about his encounter with Michael Jackson.

"The unfortunate passing of Michael Jackson makes me recall my brief encounters with the superstar. During one of my summers home in California, we'd play lots of basketball. Driving into the gym parking lot, someone mentioned, 'the Jacksons are here; that's their green Rolls'. Sure enough, they were in there playing ball and we ended up playing four or five games together. Michael and I were paired up against each other and had some tough games. The Jackson 5 were terrific athletes and like all good Indiana boys, b-ball was their game. Michael was a strongpoint guard with good hands and, as he displayed with his dance moves, he had incredibly quick feet. He was also a very good leaper and although always on the thin side, he could bang around when going for a rebound. He had a better than average shot, but made the most of his shooting talent because he could leap over most defenders under 6'3". After the first couple of games, though, I realized he had a distinctive rhythm in his shot and by the latter games, I could time it right and blocked a few of his shots (back in the day, I, too, was a better than average leaper and did some high jump, long jump, & triple jump when I ran track & field).

"Several weeks later when I was at the gym, the Jacksons came in again to play ball. This time, when teams were being picked, Jermaine selected me over brother Michael, which made him mad. Mike demanded to know why, to which Jermaine said that I'd played him really tough a few weeks back and that I was as good or better of a player than he was. As one might guess, both Michael and I had to bring our A-game against each other since it had now spun into a semi-feud with a public figure. Maybe this was what was in Jermaine's mind all along. We squared off again one more time a few weeks later before I headed back to Ohio in August.

"Fast forward several years and I am working the night shift in an ER in Encino. This big burly white guy comes stumbling through the lobby door. He looks like he'd been wrestling with a mountain lion because he was all bloody and scratched up. As he got closer, we could see all of these human bite marks on the guy and he was escorted by Marlon Jackson. We got the guy over to a gurney and they started to clean him up. Marlon told us they had just gotten back to the Encino family compound aftersome awards show where Michael (now the world's most popular entertainer) had been honored. There were 3 or 4 dozen fans, mostly teenage girls, at the gate of their home. Michael somehow exited the limo on the side that the fans were on, not the door where his bodyguards were expecting him to get out. As the crowd surged towards him, this bodyguard pushed his way through and got in-between the fans and shoved Michael back into the car. The crowd was literally ravenous and went ape on this poor guy.

"As Marlon is telling us what happened, he kept looking over at me. He also said that Michael was outside in the car and was really upset at what had happened and since the ER wasn't too busy, he wanted to bring his brother in for a few minutes to see the bodyguard was OK then he'd drive Michael home and come back to pick up the bodyguard. Then, after staring a me, Marlon asked where he knew me from. I told him it was playing basketball at the Newbury Park Community Center back when they lived in Westlake Village. Then Marlon remembered and told me, 'Michael is still mad at you. Every so often, he keeps peppering Jermaine as to why he chose you over him in those pick-up games.' I said that was four or five years ago. Marlon said his brother is upset over tonight's incident and seeing me would add insult to injury. So, as he brought Michael into the ER, I quietly slipped out the back hallway and made myself scarce until after he left."

My Cinderella Moment

I survived my first week of unemployment... barely. Despite what some people may think, I worked hard at my job, even during the slow periods when things were quiet. Granted, the last few weeks I didn't have much to do since the new management took my projects away from me one by one. But I always managed to find something to occupy my time. So when I woke up the morning of July 10th with no laptop, no email and no phone I felt helpless in a way with nothing to do. So I took back control of the situation and made a list of chores to keep me busy and help me feel productive and useful. And believe me, there is plenty to do around this house and yard to keep me busy. Monday I found myself scrubbing my bathroom from top to bottom and vacuuming and dusting all the nooks and crannies of my bedroom. Tuesday I worked in the yard until the heat became almost unbearable. Then I moved inside and continued with the laundry and scrubbing down the kitchen. Wednesday I tackled the kitchen and dinning room floors. I swept and vacuumed until every speck of dirt and dust was gone. By then the manic need for complete spotlessness had settled in and I pulled out the buckets, the sponges and scrubbers, the towels and gloves and got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed and cleaned those floors until they looked brand spanking new. Three and a half hours later my knees were red and raw, my back and elbows ached, I was exhausted and dripping with sweat. But the kitchen and dinning room floors are so clean you could eat off them. I felt like Cinderella, minus the talking mice and chirping birds. Oh, and the handsome prince who sweeps me off my feet.

Needless to say, Thursday I woke up with a new plan for my days of unemployment. I'm going to sleep in and relax. I'm going to go to the movies and have lunch with friends. I will still make a list of things I'd like to accomplish each day, but my lists will be much shorter and a little less ambitious, but still allow me to feel productive at the end of the day. The guilty feeling of having so much free time is passing. I think I could get used to this forced vacation of mine!

Have you heard of Susan Boyle?

So I was talking to my mom the other day on Skype and she asked if I had seen the video on Youtube of Susan Boyle. I had never even heard of Susan Boyle. She said I had to check it out. She said that it was a video of this woman trying out on a British talent show with Simon Cowell, the infamous American Idol judge, and all his glory. I was sure I knew what the video was going to be about, poor woman. I watched it and loved it, so I thought I'd share. If you haven't heard about Susan Boyle yet, you're in for a treat. Hopefully I can get this to work.

OK. So I couldn't get embeded code to upload the video to my blog, but here is the URL to the Youtube video. I'd love to read about your reactions to the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luRmM1J1sfg

Enjoy!!!

Wanted: A Rich Sugar Daddy or a Winning Lottery Ticket

I am really struggling lately with the desire to work. This doesn't mean that I want to sit on my lazy butt all day and do nothing. It just simply means that I don't really care to be employed anymore... at least not at my particular job. My colleague LOVES, LOVES, LOVES his job and can't wait to get to work in the morning. I don't get this. I don't find our job particularly fulfilling. And as for being eager to get to work in the morning... I wait until the last possible minute to get out of bed and start getting ready. I know that if I don't leave the house by a certain time I run the risk of not getting parking at the BART station. And most mornings when I do leave on time I'm hoping for a full parking lot earlier than normal or major delays either on the freeway or on BART. How sad is that?

A big part of my waining desire for a career is the uncertainty of whether or not I will be employed in a month and what my current job responsibilities are. We are in the middle of a corporate merger, I being an employee of the stronger company who bought out the weaker company. So you'd think I would have job security, right? Wrong. The powers that be are having to merge 2 very large companies, similar in size and function. So many of the jobs are duplicated. My department is still trying to figure out how many full time positions it will have now that we have merged. For budget reasons, and for functionality reasons (meaning we don't need that many people to do what we do), we won't be able to keep everyone from both companies.

First they had to decide who would be the director of our department. Well, you'd think they'd keep the current director (my boss) since he has been doing the job for several years and works for the surviving company. Nope. They "displaced" him. He found out the day before his prostate cancer surgery that upon his return from surgery he would have to interview for his own job. Ten days after his surgery (he did not take medical leave) he returned to work and interviewed for his job only to find out 2 weeks later that they would be letting him go.

Now I wait. Wait for my new boss to decide who she's going to keep on her new team. I've already had to send her my resume. She was out here (she and her entire team are located on the other side of the country!!!) to meet me and I basically had a job interview with her as she went over my resume and proceeded to tell me that she has 2 people on her team that do what I do for her. Nice. So does that mean she doesn't need me? Why keep me, someone whom she doesn't know when she can keep people she's worked with for several years? The only thing I have in my corner right now is that I am the only one on the West Coast that can do my job. That is unless she has someone who is willing to relocate.

But now I'm faced with the question, do I want to work for the "new team"? I need a job. This economy is not a good one to be out of work. I could go back to school, but in what? I have so many interests how do I pick one? I feel like an 18 year old again trying to decide what to major in in college. The only difference is it's a masters degree that I'm trying to decide and I'm almost twice the age of an 18 year old. I almost wish I would get laid off so I wouldn't have to make that decision. And even if I do get hired for the new team, I still plan on going back to school in the near future (as soon as I decide what to study). So how fair is that to someone on my team who will get laid off? How fair would it be for me to stay and my colleague who LOVES, LOVES, LOVES his job to be let go? It would be different if I want to make a career out of this and stay in this field, but it doesn't excite me. I'm good at it, but I don't necessarily enjoy it. I don't hate it, but I don't really care about it either.

If only I could find a rich sugar daddy or a winning lottery ticket, then all my financial worries would be taken care of and I could take the time to find out what it is that I would truly enjoy doing for a living.