My Reality

Hello Again!

2011-04-16T23:36:00.001-07:00

I don't feel like I have much to say tonight. I was just catching up on reading my cousin-in-law's blog and felt like I really need to get back into this. So much has changed for me over the last, oh... 10 months or so since my last entry. I'm still working out at the gym, but now with a new personal trainer. I miss my old one, but my new one is awesome!!! He believes in me and I can't tell you what it means to have someone believe I can succeed, especially when I don't believe it at times. So, I'm still working out with my trainer 3 days a week and doing cardio at least 4 days a week. I started graduate school last fall, which would keep me extremely busy without everything else I have going on. I'm doing a Marriage and Family Therapy MA program at John F. Kennedy University and I am loving it!!! And then, because I thought I wasn't busy enough, I added on a part time job to the craziness. See... personal training was getting kind of expensive, so I got a job at the gym I work out at and now I have free membership and my training sessions are almost half the price of what they used to be. It's been a LONG time since I worked a part time job and I don't get paid hardly anything. But I have to remind myself of all the ways this job is helping me get healthier and I realize that I'm getting paid in many other ways. So that's what keeps me busy nowadays. I will try to keep life posted as I go along, but I make no promises.

I'M A CRIMINAL?!?!?!?!

2010-06-27T18:42:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen... it has finally happened. For the first time in my entire life (or at least since I was 16 and driving) I have been pulled over for a traffic violation. That's 20 years people! I have to say I think that's pretty good. Granted, it would have been better had I not been pulled over, but once in 20 years isn't bad. Here's how it went down.

Police Officer (PO): Good morning, Ma'am. (Ma'am?!? She called me Ma'am!!!) Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Mmmm... no, actually I don't.

PO: Well, do you know how fast you were going?

Me: (Looking at my speedometer and having no clue.) Ummm... no, I really have no idea.

PO: Well, I clocked you at 38 in a 25.

Me: Oh.

PO: Can I see your license and registration?

Me: Sure. (Searching for the requested documentation.) You know, this is the first time I've ever been pulled over.

PO: Really?!? (Shock and aah in her voice. Then looking at my drivers license.) Well, you're definitely not 21 anymore.

Me: (What's that supposed to mean?!?! She called me Ma'am so she obviously didn't think I was 21 anymore. Maybe she was impressed that I had never been pulled over before, especially since I wasn't 21 anymore. Who knows.)

Anyway, won't bore you with any more dialogue. I have to admit I was hoping that since this was my first "offense" that she wouldn't give me a ticket. But no. As was pointed out to me by a friend, it is toward the end of the month and she has to fill her quota. She was nice and I was polite. I was speeding so I will face the consequences. As I was sitting there in my car waiting for her to come back, that thought from Marjorie Hinckley kept going through my mind. She always said that we have to be able to laugh at life, especially when the bad stuff happens or we won't be able to get through the tough times. Granted, this situation isn't that bad, but that's what I was thinking as I was waiting for my paperwork. I just sat in my car and laughed. I actually drove away feeling amused and actually happy, not upset. I had just had a first. I had never had that experience before and now I have and I just kept laughing. And my ticket? It's tacked up on my bulletin board. I'm strangely proud of it. How weird is that!?!?

Kind of Freaky

2010-06-13T16:26:00.001-07:00

As you may know, a couple of years ago I moved back home to house sit for my parents while they served a mission in Paraguay. But before I did I lived with a good friend in this (picture above) apartment complex. The complex is positioned sideways so that the side of the building is facing the street. We lived on the first floor almost at the end, which was great because we didn't have any street noise. When I moved my former roommate, Sarah, moved out as well and got her own apartment. Well... she called me the other night to tell me that she heard that our old apartment building burned down! WHAT!?!? We went on the Internet and found an article about the fire and sure enough, it was in the building we had lived in just 2 years ago and the article said that 8 of the 12 apartments in the complex are uninhabitable! HELLO!?!?!? So she drove by the next day and took this picture. Unfortunately, you can't see much of the damage except for the roof that is partially caved in and some windows on the 2nd floor that are boarded up. In this picture you can't see the back porch of my old apartment because the white truck is in the driveway and blocking the view. But you can see that a fence has been put up to keep people from walking down the right side of the building, which is how you get to the front doors of each apartment.

How crazy is that?!?! Sarah and I were kind of in shock wondering if we still would have been living there if I hadn't moved home to house sit. We loved living there and aside from my being laid off last year, there really wasn't any reason or desire to move. My heart goes out to my former neighbors who still lived there at the time of the fire. No one was hurt, thankfully, but so much was lost. I don't think I could have handled going through something like that. I have often wondered what I would do if I lost everything I own. On the one hand it is just stuff. But I'm pretty good at not holding on to junk and unnecessary things. The things I do keep are essential to daily living or hold special meaning and memories. It would mean a lot of heartache to lose some of the keepsakes I have and I don't need any more heartache than I already have. I mean, let's face it, I don't have the greatest love life. Heartache is all I really know when it comes to that... but I digress. This is not an homage to my sad, pathetic love life. I'll save that for another day.

Thinking about whether or not I could have still been living in Palo Alto and been a victim of this fire got me thinking about how one seemingly small and simple change can make a huge difference in the next stages of my life. I'll be the first to admit that I was very worried about moving back "home". I don't like to move backwards. I prefer moving forwards, doing something different, exciting and new. Moving home was moving back to somewhere I had already lived, on more than one occasion. But so many great things have come into my life because of it. Because I've been living at my parent's house essentially rent free, I didn't have to panic and stress out when I first learned that I could lose my job. Granted, there was the initial "Holy Crap!!!" freak out, but I was calm knowing that I would be able to manage financially. Then there was the decision to go back to school for a master's degree. I've been mulling over the idea for years, but the thought of giving up a lucrative career wasn't appealing to me. Being laid off gave me the push or the go ahead to continue my education. And also, not having a job has allowed me for the first time in my life to focus solely on my health and to be in this particular part of the Bay Area, to join the specific gym I joined and be paired up with the specific trainer I have. It's no coincidence that EJ is my trainer, which he agrees with and has told me on more than one occasion. Aren't we told in the gospel that we are blessed with certain talents to help other people? Well, he is gifted and very good at what he does and is teaching me so I can literally save my life. I may not have the life that when I was younger I had hoped for. But this much I do know. Heavenly Father knows what we need and where we need to be, and if we ask Him and listen to Him and move forward with the things He wants us to do (even when it makes no logical sense!!!), we will be right where we are supposed to be. And maybe even saved from having to endure an apartment fire.

The Numbers Just Keep Going Down

2010-06-12T11:21:00.000-07:00

I haven't written an update in a few weeks, so here's the good news. This last week I lost 6.2 lbs. YEAH!!! All total that is 66.8 lbs lost without any crazy diet, starvation, or major medical procedure. I work with a personal trainer 3 days a week, 2 hours of cardio 6 days a week, eat healthy and keep track of what I eat each day. It's starting to feel normal, like a habit and that is exciting. I still have my moments when I slip, but they are few and far between and smaller in size when they do happen. And there are days when I feel like I'm forcing myself to go to the gym, but I still do it and feel so much better after I go. I feel great and happy and proud of myself. I can do this! I can take this to the bitter end! I will.

Woo Hoo!!!

2010-05-01T18:00:00.000-07:00

I don't know how many people sent good vibes my way yesterday, but I'm going to pretend it was everyone. Yesterday was weigh in day for me and I lost a whopping 8 lbs last week! Yes, you read it right... 8 as in "eight"... as in woo hoo!!! I'm feeling on top of the world today and feeling that this huge task before me is conquerable. Bring it on, world. I can take it.

Back in the Saddle Again

2010-04-27T22:46:00.000-07:00

Why hello, family, friends and anyone else who for some earthly reason reads my blog. I've been out of touch for quite a while but am once again in blogging mode. Aren't you excited!? (I'm being sarcastic.)

So, the last time I blogged I was sharing my ups and downs with my struggle to lose weight. I admit that my last entry was me sharing my frustrations about a definite bump in the road, but it did not derail me. To update all my loyal blog readers, I joined 24 Hour Fitness (I signed a 3 year membership contract - talk about commitment!!!) and hired a personal trainer. Yep, I have my own Bob Harper (the trainer on "The Biggest Loser" for anyone who doesn't watch TV.) and I am loving it. It's definitely hard and I've had my share of injuries in the 3 short months I've been doing this, but I feel great. I've lost 33.4 lbs. YEAH!!! I have to celebrate this even though I am a little discouraged it's not more. I am up to working out with my trainer 3 days a week for 50 minutes and 6 days a week of 1 hour and 10 minutes of cardio. I'm also cutting calories and changing my eating habits and have been able to keep my daily caloric intake down to around 1800 calories a day. With all this 2 weeks ago I lost a whopping 0, yes, a big fat ZERO pounds. Last week it was a whole 1.4 lbs. It's been extremely hard this last few weeks to not let myself get too discouraged. Part of me says, what's the point. But I have to have faith that it will eventually come off. Besides, my trainer has already said he won't let me quit. He will risk being fired and getting arrested before he let's me give up. How's that for dedication? I love it!

So that's where I'm at. Tomorrow is my big weigh in for the week. Send good vibes my way. I'm hoping for a good weight loss.

Avoiding the Ugly Truth

2009-11-03T23:10:00.000-08:00

I started this blog to be completely honest with myself, to lay it all out on the table so I can see it in front of me and learn how to deal with it. Well, I haven't been lately. I've regressed a little into familiar unhealthy habits where my eating gets out of control and I try to ignore it. I had a few good days last week and then came Friday. Friday is my new weigh-in day. I hadn't stepped on the scale for a few weeks, so I was expecting a pretty good weight loss. I had had a couple of good weeks and thought I'd see a difference. Well, when I got on the scale I only saw a difference of 0.8 lbs. Not the number I was expecting and it bothered me more than I realized. Do you know how frustrating it is to think you're doing well at something only to find out that you're not? It knocked me off my feet, emotionally. I tried holding it together as best I could, but Saturday night after an evening trick-or-treating with the niece and nephews, I hit a low point. I stopped by the grocery store (I really did need to pick-up a few things), but my resistance to buying bad stuff was non-existent. I bought bean dip, artichoke dip, macaroni salad, potato salad and a bag of Reese Peanut Butter candy. All that and the pizza and cookie dough I bought Friday night was what I ate Friday through Monday. I guess one good thing was that I didn't eat it all in one sitting. In all reality it didn't make me feel better. Food doesn't seem to fill the void as well as it once did. I guess that's a good thing. I was hoping that the void would go away so I wouldn't use food to fill it. I never really thought of the void sticking around. But I guess I was looking at the void as representing one thing and once dealt with, that one thing would no longer be an issue in my life. Hence, the void would disappear. But I don't think the void is one thing. I think it comes and goes, depending on what is going on in my life. I may have had bigger issues stemming from past history, skeletons in my closet, baggage, however you want to look at it. Those things were probably the beginnings of my emotional eating and food issues. But I've dealt with those things, threw away the skeletons, unpacked the baggage if you will. So that void, the one I've been filling since childhood is gone. But others have opened up. I guess I will always have some void or another that needs to be filled. I just need to figure out how to fill it in a healthy way rather than the way I've known since I was young. OK... lists of void fillers. A topic for another day.

So that was a bizarre peek into my psyche. Scary, isn't it. But surprisingly, it helped to ramble on like that. I kind of understand it all a little bit better and isn't that the point of all this?

Anyway... back to my original topic. I'm very frustrated right now. I've eaten so many calories over the last few days and I'm feeling a bit under the weather right now so I'm not up to exercising like crazy. I just feel defeated and that I'll never be able to do this. The logical side of my brain is trying to reassure me that this is not true, and while on some level I know it isn't, I'm sure not feeling it. I definitely ate healthier today. So that's an improvement from the last few days. I guess I'm just feeling... well... panicked. For some reason I feel like I'm running out of time, like if I don't lose weight now and fast that I'm going to miss out on some really important thing in my life. To be perfectly honest, I feel like if I don't lose weight, then I'll never get married. And if I don't do it soon, well let's face it. My biological clock is ticking. OK. I think that's enough honesty for one evening. I'm really freaking myself out and what I need to do is not look at the whole big picture. Just take one day at a time and right now its 11:10pm on Tuesday, November 3, 2009. Today I had a grapefruit and scrambled egg whites with vegetables and cheese for breakfast, chocolate chip cookie dough for lunch (remnants of Friday nights food fest) and lasagna and fresh organic spinach for dinner. All in all, that's pretty good for me, especially how the past few days have gone. Its late and its been a few hours since I last ate. My stomach is rumbling, so I think I'll go make some hot chocolate and then go to bed. Sounds like a great way to end the day. Good night.

Happy Halloween

2009-10-31T19:46:00.000-07:00

My California niece and nephews

(minus one little baseball player).

Zachary was a baseball.

He was just pretty much in a daze all night.

Dominic was a lego. He fell and couldn't get up.

My Utah nephew, Hazen. I didn't get to spend Halloween with him, but his parents posted some pictures of this adorable little fireman.

This kid makes the best faces!

Every Little Thing Counts

2009-10-30T23:08:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to get back in the grove of things since I got back from vacation. It's hard to snap back into the routine of things, especially when your normal routine isn't that normal. But I did want to pat myself on the back for a couple successful moments.

Night time is usually the hardest time for me. I just want to munch and munch and munch and munch. It kills me sometimes. Actually, my night time munching is probably what is killing me losing weight. But last week I had a few good nights. Tuesday night I was feeling that uncontrollable urge to eat and I was fighting it. Have you ever had an internal war with yourself? It's exhausting. I have them all the time! Tuesday night I was feeling myself lose the battle, which if you think about it, if I'm fighting with myself, I can't really lose, can I? Either way I win. OK... so not the point. Anyway, you get what I mean. So back to Tuesday night. I went into the kitchen and looked around, but nothing was speaking to me. Good thing! I didn't want to eat, but that urge is indescribable. I really can't explain it. It almost has a life of its own and sometimes I really do feel powerless against it. But that night I decided to grab a Fiber One bar and head to bed. When I got in bed, the urge to eat had subsided and I didn't even eat the Fiber One bar. YEAH!!!

Wednesday night I was living it all over again. I did have 2 Fiber One bars, but that was it. No 4th meal, no never ending snacking, no binging. Just 2 Fiber One bars and that was that. Now if I could overcome that uncontrollable urge like that everyday, we'd be in business! Slowly but surely, right?

Back in the Saddle Again

2009-10-29T19:31:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back at the keyboard again. Part of my reason for not blogging recently is simply being on vacation with little to no internet access. Plus, I was on vacation to visit a friend, not to blog. But even if I hadn't been on vacation, I still probably wouldn't have written. I've been avoiding it, although not completely conciously. If anyone had asked me, I woudn't have admitted it mainly because I didn't realize that's what I was doing at the time. I started this new focus of my blog for me, to help me learn how to do this for myself. But I let the negative opinions of others affect me and shake my confidence. I just needed to remember that I'm doing this for me and not for anyone else. I do appreciate all the support and the positive and uplifting comments. But I don't want to be one of those hypocritical people who only allows positive feedback. So I welcome any and all comments... the good, the bad and the ugly. But I have a new resolve. I know me. I know what I'm feeling and why. I know where I'm at and where I want to go. I don't have to accept every opinion that is shared. I will remember that they are just that... opinions and won't necessarily be true or right. But who knows. There may be something in them that will help me improve. And for all the stupid, rude and inane things that may or may not be said, well, if you share your opinion with me, then I will most certainly share mine with you... the good, the bad and the ugly!

Note to Self

2009-10-11T21:47:00.000-07:00

I've had kind of a rough week, as is evident in my lack of posts. And it wasn't until tonight that I realized why. Have you ever just felt off center and you can't pinpoint why, but you can't seem to pull it together? And then everything, including the small stuff, just feels so overwhelming you can't seem to make even the simplest of decisions? Well, that was my week and as hard as I tried I couldn't seem to get back on track with eating healthy, exercising and studying for the GRE. Those 3 things were supposed to be my main focus during this time of unemployment and the more time that goes by the more panicked and frustrated I get because I don't feel I'm at where I want to be at with any of those things. And the more I think about it all, the more frustrated and panicked I get thinking about how much of my future relies on what I can accomplish now and it just continues to snow ball. Last night I was thinking about all this when I realized/remembered that this is something I do quite often and is something I'm trying to overcome. I felt a sense of relief when I realized/remembered this. Instead of focusing on the whole picture, I will focus on today, taking it day by day, hour by hour. Can't eat the whole elephant at once.

I'd like to say a few things that have been weighing heavily on my mind this week, mostly for myself and maybe for a reader or two of my blog. I'm writing about my weight loss journey for myself. Perhaps my experiences will help someone else out there, maybe not. But my purpose is to help me through the next phase of my journey. This will be a life long pursuit. I'm not expecting to lose weight and be done with it. I'm not expecting to reach a "finish line". What I am expecting to do is to face each individual roadblock, accept it and learn how to get over it. Some roadblocks may take a considerable amount of time to deal with. Some I may come face to face with more than once. For me, most of my roadblocks are emotional. I'm sure most people don't get it. But that doesn't matter. I know what I've been through. I know what I've already overcome. I know that I am ready to begin the journey to permanent, life long changes. I know I will succeed. I have already succeeded in the past at losing weight. But it's not just about losing pounds and my past is proof of that. I reached hurdles that I wasn't ready to cross and ended up taking a few steps back. Haha... OK, maybe huge tumbles down the cliff backwards. But that's OK. It's all part of life, learning and moving forward. In writing about the difficult moments, I'm not making excuses for my mistakes or expecting sympathy. This blog is proof of that. I'm admitting that I'm not perfect, that I make mistakes. By writing about it I lay it out before me, to look at it and deal with it. Most of the time I'm surprised at what I see. It quantifies it for me and puts it into perspective. It helps me to figure out why I keep making the same mistakes over and over. And hopefully it will help so the next time I hit the same road block I will be aware of what's happening and I will be able to overcome it instead of give in.

There is so much more I wanted to write. But it's late and I'm exhausted and rather than try to hash it all out right now, I'm going to go to bed and write more at another time. And like my friend Kirsten said, tomorrow is a new day and I'll make a fresh start.

My Week in Review

2009-10-08T19:12:00.001-07:00

Ooops! It's been a week since I've blogged. I'm sure there are some who may be wondering if I've given up. No, I haven't. But I will admit that I've fallen off the bandwagon a few times. I've even thought about not writing about it... forgeting about it... pretending that it never happened. But that is the very reason why I started writing about this all in the first place. Avoiding the slip ups or the "negative" is not helpful. Laying it all out there and facing it head on is what I need to do to "make the weak things become strong". Some people may think that writing about the stumbles and falls is just focusing on the negative. But it's not. By writing it all down I'm saying, yes, I had a low point, I gave in and this is what I did. I admit it. Not only to anyone who reads my blog, but most importantly, to myself. And it's OK. I'm OK. I'm not a failure, and anyone who thinks I am can SUCK IT!!! Then I pick myself up and move on. Will I stumble and fall again. Most definitely. But guess what?!?! I'm not perfect. (Shock! Gasp! "NO!") And here's another one... NEITHER ARE YOU!!! As far as I remember there's only ever been one perfect person on this earth and he lived nearly 2000 years ago.

OK, I digress. Here are a couple of successes I had over the last week. Friday night I drove down to my sister, Brenda's, apartment for dinner. Our brother, Brian, and his family met us down there. After dinner I left to go home with the intention of stopping at the grocery store. But as I drove that all too familiar feeling of desperation for food came over me. I wanted a big slice of carrot cake from Safeway or chocolate or Taco Bell. I knew that if I stopped at the grocery store that I would get the carrot cake, probably some chocolate to go along with it and anything else that struck my fancy at that moment. And then I'd be mad at myself for buying all that stuff, so I'd decide to bag it all, go through the Taco Bell drive-thru and then go home and proceed to eat most of it if not all. I really did need to get some groceries, but I knew I could not stop. So I just drove straight home. Once I got home I ate a Fiber One bar and I was good. I was so relieved and pretty freakin' proud of myself.

A Stumble, A Win and an Epiphany

2009-09-30T23:00:00.000-07:00

THE STUMBLE
So, after I blogged last night I tried going to sleep and even though I was tired I couldn't fall asleep. I kept tossing and turning. To add insult to injury I was getting hungry since it had been so long since I'd last eaten and I was still awake. And then came the war in my head. You know that war where one side of your conscious says, "yes, just do it" and the other side says, "no, don't do it". That war in my head went on for a while and I have to admit that I caved. I totally forgot my plan of attack. I really frustrate myself sometimes. I won't go into all the gory details, but I will say that it involved pie crust dough and whipped cream. I finally did get to sleep and slept well. But I woke feeling really crappy about myself. But then came...

THE WIN
Wednesdays are my weigh in days. After a horrible night last night I really did not want to weigh in, but I'm in this for the long haul and I want to make permanent life long changes. So I sucked it up and got on the scale and guess what!?!? I lost 3 lbs last week. Can you believe it? After all the mess ups over the last week, I still had positive results. YEAH!!! I was on cloud nine. I hit the ground running and decided, it's a new day with a new beginning. I had a great day. I ate healthy food and proportionate meals. I exercised and did strength training as well and I accomplished a few tasks on my "To Do" list that never seems to go away, which is where my epiphany comes in. (Oh, and I'm not going to say exactly what I weigh just yet. Still not ready for that kind of humiliation.)

THE EPIPHANY
I have this never ending "To Do" list that has started to weigh me down. No pun intended. But I really want to take advantage of this time of unemployment and focus on getting my health in order and making life changes and new healthy habits. I need to make that a priority or I'll never accomplish it. And then I realized that whenever I'm outside doing yard work, which is the majority of things on my "To Do" list, I work up quite a sweat and get my heart rate going pretty good. This could be my exercise. I still need to supplement it with swimming and bicycling for example. So that's what I did today. I worked a total of 3 hours outside in the backyard today. There is still so much more that needs to be done, but I was able to cross a few off the list today and count it as exercise. All in all, a pretty good day.

One Simple Decision

2009-09-29T23:30:00.000-07:00

It's so frustrating! How can I go from doing so great in the morning to completely blowing it by the late afternoon? Just one simple decision. I went to the dentist this afternoon for my regular cleaning. While I was there the thought to get Wienerschnitzel for dinner came into my mind and it didn't leave. Last night my roommate grabbed some on her way home from work and the thought sounded good. Some may wonder why Wienerschnitzel, but I do like hot dogs and yes, I know what they are made of, but it doesn't bother me.

It wouldn't have been so bad, but I bought more than what one person would normally eat and I ate it all over the course of the evening. This is embarrassing and pretty hard for me to see it written down in front of me, but I'm going to do it. I keep track of what I eat on The Biggest Loser Club online and it calculates the calories for me. I entered every morsel of what I ate today. Scary!!! But it does help to see exactly how many calories, etc. I took in today. Trust me. I was shocked. I think if I had known before I went through the drive through I may not have gone. But now I know and it's not pretty. So full disclosure, right? That's what set out here to do. OK, here's the nasty truth: 2 Angus Beef Chili Cheese dogs, 1 Chili Cheese Fry, 1 Large Fry and 1 Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Freeze. And here's what my daily totals are: calories: 4,653 -- carbs: 578 -- fat: 225 -- protein: 148 -- fiber: 107 -- sodium: 8,184. It's no wonder I'm morbidly obese.

So I'm making a goal and I'm putting it out there. I will not go through the drive through. See, the drive through is so easy. I don't have to get out of the car and it's quick. So no more drive throughs. If I have to eat fast food, you know, like when I'm traveling, then I'll park and get out of the car. It will deter me from going through the drive through as often as I do. OH MY WORD!!!!!! I just looked at my budget/ledger and saw how much I've spent this month on fast food alone. This is so sad and embarrassing. I've spent $157.00 on fast food... drive throughs alone. I am mortified and ashamed. And I didn't even go swimming this morning.

OK. Well now I'm aware. Instead of just keeping track of all these things separately I am putting it all together and the picture isn't pretty. Time to paint a new picture.

The Uncontrolable Urge

2009-09-29T09:48:00.000-07:00

It hit me again last night. That uncontrollable urge to just eat. It was bout 12:30am. I started getting ready for bed at 11:30pm and that's early believe it or not. My goal was to be in bed by midnight. I have a whole story about getting to bed, but that will have to wait for another blog entry. Anyway, I got into bed and decided to read for a little bit. I was about ready to fall asleep when I remembered that my swimsuit needed to be hung up to dry. The thought of putting on a wet swimsuit in the morning to go swimming was not appealing at all. So I drug myself out of bed and hung it up, used the bathroom and then it hit... the overwhelming urge to eat something. By this time I was wide awake and food was all I could think about. SERIOUSLY!?!?!? Where did this come from? Looking back I really should have journalled. Journalling usually helps me figure what I'm really feeling at the time. I just sit down with pen and paper and purge EVERYTHING. It's actually quite surprising what comes out. But last night I was so afraid that if I left my room I'd eat and I really didn't want to. I forced myself to go back to bed and I knelt down and prayed. It really wasn't a coherent prayer. I just kind of knelt there letting my mind wander until I felt tired again. So I climbed into bed hoping sleep would overcome me. But no, it didn't. I couldn't get the desire to eat something out of my head. And what I wanted to eat was not good. If I could have made a batch of brownies, I would have. Or a huge plate of nachos. What else was going through my head? Oh, I had the thought of going to McDonald's because the drive through is open 24 hours and getting a few hamburgers and fries.

This tossing and turning lasted a while until I finally got up. I went to the kitchen, filled up my water bottle, grabbed 4 Fiber One bars and went to my laptop to watch a couple of TV shows online. I figured if I was going to eat something, a Fiber One bar wasn't as bad as a whole pan of brownies, etc. One Fiber One bar has 140 Calories, 4g fat, 90mg sodium, 29g carbs, 9g fiber and 2g protein. Definitely better than a McDonald's run. But I was still frustrated with myself. I don't get this mind numbing urge that overcomes me sometimes. Ha! "Sometimes"? I don't think a day goes by when I don't feel it at least once.

OK, so what can I learn from this? I don't want to be hard on myself because I'll just get depressed and probably go eat more. Let's look at the positive. OK. 1.) I didn't make brownies or nachos and I didn't go to McDonald's. YEAH!!! Pat on the back. 2.) I did turn to prayer first. And who knows, maybe the prayer helped me choose the Fiber One bars instead. This is a process right? 3.) I'm acknowledging what happened, writing it down and creating a plan of attack for the next time because, let's face it, there definitely will be a next time.

OK. Plan of attack. I think the praying helped, so next time step 1 is to pray. Step 2 is to journal. I need to figure out why I get these overwhelming urges to eat. There's probably an emotional reason behind them and once I figure out what it is, I can fix it. Step 3... if the urge doesn't go away, then I'll make a salad or a fruit smoothie instead. Or cut up some fresh fruits and veggies or have only 1 Fiber One bar instead of 4. :-)

Hmm... OK. I think I'm good. I'm ready for the day and I feel at peace with last night and a little defiant. BRING IT ON!!!! I WILL CONQUER THIS!!!!

Happy Birthday, Abigail!!!

2009-09-28T21:38:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday sweet girl! This is my beautiful niece, Abby, and she turned 2 today. I wish I could be there on your birthday, Abby. But know that I love you and hope the best for you in your life.

A Personal Win!!!

2009-09-28T21:09:00.001-07:00

OK. I don't want to spend all my time blogging about the negative parts of losing weight. Yes, it is a struggle and I've broken it down into taking it not a day at a time but an hour at a time. And last night was no exception. My neighbors work for Safeway and get a lot of product for free. They just don't have the freezer space for all of it and my parent's being the good Mormons they are have a huge freezer in their garage for food storage. So my neighbors store some of the food in our freezer and come and get it when they need to. They do share with us, quite a bit actually and they have said that we are free to whatever they have stored in the freezer. There is frozen chocolate chip cookie dough in there right now. I'll admit it. I've dug into that in the past few months and it wasn't pretty. I've never eaten a whole package in one sitting, but I have downed half a package in one sitting before. Well, last night I was craving something and remembered that there is still some cookie dough in the freezer. I sat in the living room debating over eating it for at least a half an hour. In the end I went and got it and brought it in. But before I sat down to eat it I had a change of mind. I put it back and had grabbed a Fiber One granola bar and glass of chocolate milk instead. FAR FEWER CALORIES!!! And it hit the spot. I was good. And I felt great!!! And this morning I went swimming, so it's been a great 24hours.

As for the food I ate today... not too bad. I started out good, following TBL meal plan for the most part. But by dinner time I followed my own plan, which as history will show is not as healthy as TBL meal plan. But I will give myself a pat on the back for not over-doing it at dinner. AND... I'VE KEPT TRACK OF EVERYTHING I'VE EATEN TODAY!!! That is huge in and of itself. I can do this.

I have to admit that I am a little surprised by my calorie intake for today. Here's the breakdown:
Recommended Actual
Calories: 2,000 2,801
Carbs: 240g 315g
Fat: 70g 114g
Protein: 120g 147g
Fiber: 44g 48g
Sodium: 3,425mg 5,577mg

Doesn't look that great when you look at it side by side. But sadly, this is better than most days. OK. I won't be depressed. This is a process and I'm taking the first steps by writing it all down and being 100% completely honest with myself. Awareness is the first step, right?

Well, I feel like ending a pretty good day on a good note. I'm going to go ride my bike and watch one of my favorite Monday night shows - "The Big Bang Theory". Very funny. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it.

I can't end this entry without saying thank you to everyone for their support and encouragement. It makes it so much easier to do this knowing I have all of you behind me. Thank you and I love you.

So Far... Not So Good

2009-09-26T16:13:00.000-07:00

SERIOUSLY!?!?!? Not even one day! Yet. OK. Keep the positive in mind. No, I did not go swimming this morning. But yes, I did get plenty of sleep. No, I haven't followed the TBL meal plan for today like I had planned, but I am at least writing down everything that I have eaten. OK. Not a total loss. But yet so very frustrating. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, but I'm so good at that. I'm just afraid of saying, "Oh, it's OK. Tomorrow is another day. Just start fresh then." That's what got me into this mess in the first place. Oh, I'll start tomorrow, or next week or January 1st as my New Year's Resolution. If that worked I wouldn't be in this position right now. Aaaaahhhhhh!!!! And then there's the age old advice of "just do it" in the first place and then I wouldn't be upset at myself and planning to start over tomorrow... AGAIN! Well, if that was so easy than I wouldn't have a weight problem now, would I?

Now, normally this is where I would say "SCREW IT!!!" and go get some really naughty food and plop in front of the TV for the rest of the night and eat. But I'm not going to do it. As much as I really want to... (whine, whine, whine) and I REALLY want to... I'm not going to give up. I'm still going to keep track of everything I eat today. I'm not going to pig out tonight. I'll have a sensible dinner, which means I'll keep the calories low, the fiber up and include A LOT of veggies and instead of sitting down with everything in front of me and eating until I'm full (which I do A LOT), I'll fix a plate with appropriate portion sizes and put the rest away. AND... I'm going to go ride my bicycle right now. Who cares if there are other things to do. I need to start taking care of myself.

The Real Me

2009-09-25T14:32:00.000-07:00

This is my blog, right? I can write whatever I want on here, right? I'm not asking these questions of anyone who is reading my blog, but of myself. And not to literally ask myself, but to build up the courage to use my blog for something quite personal. But it's time. It's my time and this is what I have to do.

You know how they say that to lose weight it's easier if you have a buddy to do it along with you? Well, I've tried that before, but it only works as long as I am honest with myself and with those I've chosen to be my "buddy". Well, to be perfectly honest, I haven't been. I start out with great intentions and then I slip. Everybody slips at times, right? Yes, but I have a tendency to be extremely hard on myself. So when I slip I allow it to become a cataclysmic event and I fall hard, which leads to depression and A LOT... and I mean A LOT... of eating, which just leads to gaining more weight, a new resolve to lose it, an attempt at a new diet plan, short term success, a struggle, the slip, the cataclysmic fall and depression all over again. My weight loss cycle. Actually, for anyone out there who needs to gain weight, which I really struggle with wrapping my head around, this is a great way to gain it. Try to lose it! Hahahaha!!! OK, back to my plan.

I am going to lay it all out on the table. I'm going to open myself up, make myself vulnerable and be completely, 100% honest with myself and everyone out there. I am going to document all the humiliating, gory details. Why? Well, to be perfectly honest, I use food to fill a void and most of the time that void is loneliness. There are times... many times, when I feel completely alone with no one to talk to, no one who really understands how I feel, no one to turn to for comfort. Other times I use food to deal with boredom, stress, worry, sadness... the list is endless. Usually, instead of facing the emotions I'm feeling and figuring out what they are and why I'm feeling them, I eat. And as much as I want to say I've changed, which I have made some changes, I still have a long way to go.

I have become a master of disguise, manipulation and deceit. So instead of continuing in those unhealthy patterns I've decided to use my blog to help me overcome some of the destructive habits I have formed in my life. Man, this is going to be embarrassing. But I think it's what I need to do.

To start off I need to say that I am not looking for someone to solve my problems for me. Trust me. I know what I need to do to lose weight. I just struggle with the execution of it. This is my problem and I need to fix it. But I know I can't do it alone. I need the strength, guidance and love of my Heavenly Father. And I need the love and support of my family and friends. I don't need anyone to tell me what I'm doing wrong. I already know. I just need love and support and occasionally, when I ask for it, some words of advice. So here it goes.

WEIGHT - I'm not going to share the exact number. I don't think I can do that just yet. But it's bad. If you watch The Biggest Loser I can tell you that I weigh less than the heaviest woman on Season 8 and more than the heaviest woman on Season 7. But that's as close as I get to publicizing it just now. I do keep track and I weigh myself weekly. Recently that number has started to creep up again. Depressing.

EXERCISE - I have plenty of gadgets at home so I don't really need to join a gym. I have 20 or more DVDs. I have all The Biggest Loser books, several low calorie/light cookbooks, a treadmill, a bike on a trainer and a community lap pool. A few weeks ago I did a couple of TBL (The Biggest Loser) DVDs but my knees were killing me by the end of them. I need to do something that is less strenuous on my knees for a while. Swimming is the ultimate exercise, but it's so humiliating going in public in a swim suit. But thanks so some late night instant messaging with my mom, I plucked up the courage to go one morning and I did it!!! I forgot how much I love swimming. It felt so good to get in the pool and do laps. I am so out of shape so it is VERY slow going right now. But when I go I go for an hour. Last week I went on Thursday and Friday. Thursday I did 42 laps in the 25 meter pool in an hour. Friday I did 54 and didn't feel that much more tired than I did on Thursday. But I haven't gone at all this week. I've found excuses not to go. But I'm committing to myself to go tomorrow morning. I've also started riding my bike again, which I really haven't done in a very long time. When I got on it for the first time in months, I almost couldn't get on. I felt very uncoordinated. And once on I was so afraid I was going to break it. I also couldn't ride for very long. I'd ride for a minute or so and rest for a minute, then ride, then rest. How sad and pathetic is that? But I played that cat and mouse game for 30 minutes. I did it 2 days last week, but haven't ridden it this week. It also hurts my arms and shoulders to hold myself up for that long. (See what I mean. This is quite humiliating.)

FOOD - So you want to know what I've eaten today? It's quite tragic. For breakfast I had milk and cookies... literally. And for lunch I had tuna and tortilla chips. Healthy? Hardly, especially since I think I ate at least 8 cookies and they were the big Costco kind. I didn't eat very many chips or that much tuna, but only because I got interrupted by a phone call. By the time I got off the phone I had my head collected and just put the food away. But at this very moment I just want to eat. Probably mostly since I am putting this all out there for the world to stomp on and making myself very vulnerable. I think I'm really just thirsty since I really haven't had anything to drink since the milk at breakfast. OK, I'm going to go get some water right now before I eat ANYTHING.

I hope this isn't a horrible mistake. I just feel that if I can be accountable to someone... or everyone for that matter then I may make life long changes once and for all. Trying to hide it, acting like there isn't a problem and keeping it to myself just hasn't worked at all over the years. So here I am. All of me. The real me. No more hiding. No more pretending. Just me.

The Stars are Bright

2009-08-16T22:57:00.000-07:00

I'm on the next leg of my trip. "Next leg?" you may be wondering. Yes, when I started out on this little road trip, I didn't have a set plan. The only thing I really knew for sure was that I was going to spend about a week with my sister in Weiser, Idaho. I had thought I might make a trip east to the Idaho Falls area to visit more family and friends. Well, plans solidified and I made the road trip to Swan Valley, a small little town about 45 minutes north east of Idaho Falls, to visit my friend, Chenoa and her family. It was about 9:00pm when I rolled into town, so I haven't seen much of it, but from what I understand, there isn't much to see. I'll get to see it in daylight tomorrow. But the drive in was great. Outside Idaho Falls the terrain changes. There are hills and mountains, valleys, rivers and creeks. It's actually quite beautiful. I am pleasantly surprised and now I can't wait to see it in the daylight.

But the most impressive thing so far is the night sky. Living in the San Francisco Bay Area, I don't get a complete view of the heavens. There are just too many city lights. But out here where the only lights are from the few scattered homes, it's pitch black and the stars are beautiful. I forget how many there really are and how bright they are. I love living near a large city like San Francisco, but there sure are some impressive advantages to living in the country.

My Glimpse into Motherhood

2009-08-14T22:00:00.000-07:00

This year my brother and my sister-in-law celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary. Congrats to Brian and Tammy!!! I thought this was an important milestone that they should be able to celebrate sans children. So I offered my babysitting services so that he could whisk his lovely wife off to a romantic getaway... whatever. It's my brother. That's about as far as I'm willing to go on the road of romantic thoughts.

At the time when I offered to take the kids for a few days, I assumed it would be a weekend and that my sister, Brenda, would come up and we'd do it together. That was the plan... initially. But my brother decided to take time off work and go in the middle of the week during the summer when the kids didn't have school. Fine for me. I was recently laid off and have all the time in the world. But my sister? She had already planned this awesome trip to Australia (camping in the outback and scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef) and couldn't take any more time off especially only a few days before the scheduled trip. So I got to babysit all 4 kids by myself, ages 14 months to 8 years. No problem, right? I'm the oldest of 5 kids, babysat for years during Junior High and High School and already absolutely love spending time with my niece and nephews. Boy was I in for a rude awakening.

Don't get me wrong. I love them so much and had a great time. But my eyes were definitely opened to a minute portion of what it must be like to be a mom. Benjamin is an early riser. Therefore, I was an early riser. I had gotten quite used to sleeping in since I lost my job, so getting up early again was a little tiring. Then came breakfast... and the complaints. Inevitably there was one who didn't like what had been made. The first lunch I became a short order cook and made everyone a separate meal. Learned my lesson. No wonder my mom said when we were kids that if we didn't like what was served, then we went hungry.

After breakfast (and every meal for that matter) came washing the littlest ones, getting everyone dressed, diapers changed, etc. Then I had to clean up breakfast and do the dishes to keep the kitchen in some working order. By that time the morning was half over and I was still in my pajamas. I can't remember if I showered that morning. It is all kind of a blur. I think I definitely got dressed, though. But not every day. I think the 2nd day I stayed in my PJ's all day long. It was just easier.

Then there was the matter of entertainment. Their attention wouldn't last too long on one thing and they always seemed to need my help with one thing or another. I had to take advantage of the short moments when their attention was absorbed by an activity. Then lunch time would roll around and the whole meal cycle would begin again. Post meal was more play time and they couldn't do it without me apparently. Ahhh... but nap time was my sweet haven. It was quiet time for all of them, regardless if they slept or not. They just had to lay in bed for a while. They usually fell asleep, but occasionally one or more would remain awake. That was when I had to cut my quiet time short because they could only remain quiet in bed for so long. But heaven have mercy if the one of the younger ones didn't take a nap. By 6:30/7:00 the holy terror emerged and the rest of the night I was merely in survival mode until bed time.

It always seemed to take me a long time to get them ready for bed. Four kids and me and of course none of them "want" to go to bed. By the time I got them all dressed, diapers changed, stories read and ushered upstairs and finally into a bed, I was exhausted. But the house was a disaster zone, so instead of sitting and watching TV, which is what I usually do at night to unwind, I was picking up toys, doing dishes and getting the house in some order ready for disaster to strike the next day.

At the end of the first night I had this thought, "And I really want this (to be a mom)?" I'm 36, single and no kids and I have always wanted to be a mother. But this night I actually questioned that desire. I kept thinking that I got nothing done during the day. I had a list of things I needed to do, but there was no time or energy for that matter. I was exhausted by the end of the day. And I finally got it. Occasionally I will talk to siblings or friends that are married with children and listen to them as they share with me their frustrations of being a mom. I would sometime hear how they sometimes felt that they were not contributing anything to the world nor were they doing anything worth while in their lives. I would tell them about my dull, boring working life with the not-so-interesting business trips and hear them say how exciting my life was. I didn't think so. Meanwhile I thought their lives were full of meaning and purpose by simply being mothers, raising Heavenly Father's children. But after this short experience watching my niece and nephews for 3 days, I finally understood. So to all you mothers out there, I can not express the amount of respect I have for you and all that you do each day. And for my own mother, I love you and am so eternally grateful for you.

A Morning at the Mechanics

2009-08-09T23:07:00.000-07:00

I had to take my car in for her 15,000 mile maintenance the other morning. I took a book to read while I waited, but sometimes people watching is much more interesting and that morning was no exception. There were quite a few proud Ford owners waiting in the dealership's customer lounge for their cars. As I sat there I noticed a few things. Maybe this is not that interesting for anyone else, but as it is my blog and you are choosing to read it, then you'll just have to endure today's entry.

The first thing I noticed is the different characteristics shown by the different generations of customers. Mr. 20-something had his Starbucks in hand while sitting at one of the computers provided for customer use, surfing the Internet. Mr. Mid-life-crisis looked like he was taking time off work, whether for vacation or just to bring his car in, I don't know. Either way, he seemed to be enjoying his time off, lounging on the leather sofa in his polo shirt, khaki shorts and tennis shoes, watching TV and glancing at a golf magazine he found among all the other Sports Illustrated and car magazines provided to entertain waiting customers. Then there was Grandpa who looked obviously used to sitting and staring off into no where, patiently waiting for his car, drinking stale coffee from a cheap Styrofoam cup provided by the dealership in the customer waiting area. Watching them it was interesting to see that if I had to describe to a blind person what each of these individuals was doing, they would be able to tell generally how old they are. These 3 weren't the only one's waiting, but all the others fit into one of these three categories.

As I was observing this I noticed something that I had never really thought about before. I was the only woman. There was another girl there, but she was only about 9 or 10 and came in with her dad. Now, I'm not about to spout off some women's lib gibberish or anything like that. I just thought it was interesting. I am a single woman and have always been. If there is something that needs to be done I do it. I have to. There isn't anyone else to do it with or do it for me. Quite often if not most of the time I wish there was. It gets lonely sometimes. Plus, sometimes it is just frustrating to have to make all the decisions on my own all the time. But I do have to admit that there is a sense of satisfaction knowing that I can do it all on my own.

But back to my observation. Is it common knowledge that when in a relationship, the men take care of the cars? Or is it something that each couple makes a conscious decision about who will take care of the cars? Are there women out there who do it themselves and whose husbands/boyfriends/significant others (whatever) don't mind or prefer it that way? Or are there couples out there who each have a car and take care of theirs themselves? Why am I asking this, you may ask? Just curious. Does it matter? No, not really. It was just something I noticed that morning and wondered about. I've heard about couples where this very thing is a problem... wives taking care of the cars and husbands feeling obsolete.

So if you haven't noticed, I sometimes have these odd things come to my mind that I wonder about. This time I just thought I'd blog about it.

3 Degrees of Separation

2009-07-21T23:06:00.000-07:00

My mom sent me an email recently that I found quite interesting. This is my one lone, distant connection with a superstar... Michael Jackson. Before I relate the story that was passed along to me I have to say that despite the great musical talent he had, I find it very disturbing that the society we live in found the passing of Michael Jackson more news worthy than the changes President Obama is trying to make for our nation. I'm not sure there isn't a soul who can't tell you where they were when they heard that MJ died. But how many people can tell you about Obama's energy bill or his universal health care plan? The man was a disturbed pedophile and I find it morally repugnant that he has been so revered. Don't get me wrong. He was somebody's son, brother, father or friend and their loss is great. I just feel there are more important things going on in this world than a musician who should have been put in jail. OK, OK. I'll get off my soap box. This is just my opinion so if anyone reads this blog and is offended by what I had to say on the matter, oh well. This is my blog and I am entitled to my opinions.

Anyway, apparently I have a second cousin who who knew MJ and with his passing was reminded of his brief encounters with the superstar. My second cousin's name is Kel. I don't believe I've ever met him, nor do I ever remember meeting his father, my mother's cousin. But I do have fond memories of his grandmother, my mother's Aunt Gladys. We used to visit her during the summers when we went to visit my grandparent's. I just remember her kindness and how much she enjoyed our visits. She has since passed away.

So, my 2nd cousin, Kel, went to college in Ohio and spent his summers with his mother in Southern California. He was athletic all his life beginning with little league when he was an all-star short stop. He is about the same age as Michael Jackson as he will be celebrating his 52nd birthday this year. So please enjoy Kel's story about his encounter with Michael Jackson.

"The unfortunate passing of Michael Jackson makes me recall my brief encounters with the superstar. During one of my summers home in California, we'd play lots of basketball. Driving into the gym parking lot, someone mentioned, 'the Jacksons are here; that's their green Rolls'. Sure enough, they were in there playing ball and we ended up playing four or five games together. Michael and I were paired up against each other and had some tough games. The Jackson 5 were terrific athletes and like all good Indiana boys, b-ball was their game. Michael was a strongpoint guard with good hands and, as he displayed with his dance moves, he had incredibly quick feet. He was also a very good leaper and although always on the thin side, he could bang around when going for a rebound. He had a better than average shot, but made the most of his shooting talent because he could leap over most defenders under 6'3". After the first couple of games, though, I realized he had a distinctive rhythm in his shot and by the latter games, I could time it right and blocked a few of his shots (back in the day, I, too, was a better than average leaper and did some high jump, long jump, & triple jump when I ran track & field).

"Several weeks later when I was at the gym, the Jacksons came in again to play ball. This time, when teams were being picked, Jermaine selected me over brother Michael, which made him mad. Mike demanded to know why, to which Jermaine said that I'd played him really tough a few weeks back and that I was as good or better of a player than he was. As one might guess, both Michael and I had to bring our A-game against each other since it had now spun into a semi-feud with a public figure. Maybe this was what was in Jermaine's mind all along. We squared off again one more time a few weeks later before I headed back to Ohio in August.

"Fast forward several years and I am working the night shift in an ER in Encino. This big burly white guy comes stumbling through the lobby door. He looks like he'd been wrestling with a mountain lion because he was all bloody and scratched up. As he got closer, we could see all of these human bite marks on the guy and he was escorted by Marlon Jackson. We got the guy over to a gurney and they started to clean him up. Marlon told us they had just gotten back to the Encino family compound aftersome awards show where Michael (now the world's most popular entertainer) had been honored. There were 3 or 4 dozen fans, mostly teenage girls, at the gate of their home. Michael somehow exited the limo on the side that the fans were on, not the door where his bodyguards were expecting him to get out. As the crowd surged towards him, this bodyguard pushed his way through and got in-between the fans and shoved Michael back into the car. The crowd was literally ravenous and went ape on this poor guy.

"As Marlon is telling us what happened, he kept looking over at me. He also said that Michael was outside in the car and was really upset at what had happened and since the ER wasn't too busy, he wanted to bring his brother in for a few minutes to see the bodyguard was OK then he'd drive Michael home and come back to pick up the bodyguard. Then, after staring a me, Marlon asked where he knew me from. I told him it was playing basketball at the Newbury Park Community Center back when they lived in Westlake Village. Then Marlon remembered and told me, 'Michael is still mad at you. Every so often, he keeps peppering Jermaine as to why he chose you over him in those pick-up games.' I said that was four or five years ago. Marlon said his brother is upset over tonight's incident and seeing me would add insult to injury. So, as he brought Michael into the ER, I quietly slipped out the back hallway and made myself scarce until after he left."

My Cinderella Moment

2009-07-18T00:05:00.001-07:00

I survived my first week of unemployment... barely. Despite what some people may think, I worked hard at my job, even during the slow periods when things were quiet. Granted, the last few weeks I didn't have much to do since the new management took my projects away from me one by one. But I always managed to find something to occupy my time. So when I woke up the morning of July 10th with no laptop, no email and no phone I felt helpless in a way with nothing to do. So I took back control of the situation and made a list of chores to keep me busy and help me feel productive and useful. And believe me, there is plenty to do around this house and yard to keep me busy. Monday I found myself scrubbing my bathroom from top to bottom and vacuuming and dusting all the nooks and crannies of my bedroom. Tuesday I worked in the yard until the heat became almost unbearable. Then I moved inside and continued with the laundry and scrubbing down the kitchen. Wednesday I tackled the kitchen and dinning room floors. I swept and vacuumed until every speck of dirt and dust was gone. By then the manic need for complete spotlessness had settled in and I pulled out the buckets, the sponges and scrubbers, the towels and gloves and got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed and cleaned those floors until they looked brand spanking new. Three and a half hours later my knees were red and raw, my back and elbows ached, I was exhausted and dripping with sweat. But the kitchen and dinning room floors are so clean you could eat off them. I felt like Cinderella, minus the talking mice and chirping birds. Oh, and the handsome prince who sweeps me off my feet.

Needless to say, Thursday I woke up with a new plan for my days of unemployment. I'm going to sleep in and relax. I'm going to go to the movies and have lunch with friends. I will still make a list of things I'd like to accomplish each day, but my lists will be much shorter and a little less ambitious, but still allow me to feel productive at the end of the day. The guilty feeling of having so much free time is passing. I think I could get used to this forced vacation of mine!

Have you heard of Susan Boyle?

2009-04-23T16:47:00.000-07:00

So I was talking to my mom the other day on Skype and she asked if I had seen the video on Youtube of Susan Boyle. I had never even heard of Susan Boyle. She said I had to check it out. She said that it was a video of this woman trying out on a British talent show with Simon Cowell, the infamous American Idol judge, and all his glory. I was sure I knew what the video was going to be about, poor woman. I watched it and loved it, so I thought I'd share. If you haven't heard about Susan Boyle yet, you're in for a treat. Hopefully I can get this to work.

OK. So I couldn't get embeded code to upload the video to my blog, but here is the URL to the Youtube video. I'd love to read about your reactions to the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luRmM1J1sfg

Enjoy!!!

Wanted: A Rich Sugar Daddy or a Winning Lottery Ticket

2009-03-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

I am really struggling lately with the desire to work. This doesn't mean that I want to sit on my lazy butt all day and do nothing. It just simply means that I don't really care to be employed anymore... at least not at my particular job. My colleague LOVES, LOVES, LOVES his job and can't wait to get to work in the morning. I don't get this. I don't find our job particularly fulfilling. And as for being eager to get to work in the morning... I wait until the last possible minute to get out of bed and start getting ready. I know that if I don't leave the house by a certain time I run the risk of not getting parking at the BART station. And most mornings when I do leave on time I'm hoping for a full parking lot earlier than normal or major delays either on the freeway or on BART. How sad is that?

A big part of my waining desire for a career is the uncertainty of whether or not I will be employed in a month and what my current job responsibilities are. We are in the middle of a corporate merger, I being an employee of the stronger company who bought out the weaker company. So you'd think I would have job security, right? Wrong. The powers that be are having to merge 2 very large companies, similar in size and function. So many of the jobs are duplicated. My department is still trying to figure out how many full time positions it will have now that we have merged. For budget reasons, and for functionality reasons (meaning we don't need that many people to do what we do), we won't be able to keep everyone from both companies.

First they had to decide who would be the director of our department. Well, you'd think they'd keep the current director (my boss) since he has been doing the job for several years and works for the surviving company. Nope. They "displaced" him. He found out the day before his prostate cancer surgery that upon his return from surgery he would have to interview for his own job. Ten days after his surgery (he did not take medical leave) he returned to work and interviewed for his job only to find out 2 weeks later that they would be letting him go.

Now I wait. Wait for my new boss to decide who she's going to keep on her new team. I've already had to send her my resume. She was out here (she and her entire team are located on the other side of the country!!!) to meet me and I basically had a job interview with her as she went over my resume and proceeded to tell me that she has 2 people on her team that do what I do for her. Nice. So does that mean she doesn't need me? Why keep me, someone whom she doesn't know when she can keep people she's worked with for several years? The only thing I have in my corner right now is that I am the only one on the West Coast that can do my job. That is unless she has someone who is willing to relocate.

But now I'm faced with the question, do I want to work for the "new team"? I need a job. This economy is not a good one to be out of work. I could go back to school, but in what? I have so many interests how do I pick one? I feel like an 18 year old again trying to decide what to major in in college. The only difference is it's a masters degree that I'm trying to decide and I'm almost twice the age of an 18 year old. I almost wish I would get laid off so I wouldn't have to make that decision. And even if I do get hired for the new team, I still plan on going back to school in the near future (as soon as I decide what to study). So how fair is that to someone on my team who will get laid off? How fair would it be for me to stay and my colleague who LOVES, LOVES, LOVES his job to be let go? It would be different if I want to make a career out of this and stay in this field, but it doesn't excite me. I'm good at it, but I don't necessarily enjoy it. I don't hate it, but I don't really care about it either.

If only I could find a rich sugar daddy or a winning lottery ticket, then all my financial worries would be taken care of and I could take the time to find out what it is that I would truly enjoy doing for a living.

Long and Overdue...

2009-02-23T20:54:00.000-08:00

I realize it's been quite some time since my last entry. I guess I've felt that not much has happened recently. But as I reflect I realize that's not entirely true.

Christmas

My sister, Brenda, and I drove to the Boise, Idaho area to visit our sister Jennifer and her family since we were orphans this year. (Our parents are currently serving a mission in Paraguay and won't be home for another year.) The drive up was fine. No problems with the weather. The drive home on the other hand is a different story. It was snowing when we left Jennifer's house. About 15 minutes out we decided to stop and put the chains on. I thought I knew how to do it but it wasn't going so well. I had the general idea right, but I'd never actually done it. It's not that easy. We drove that way for the next 5 hours but only went 120 miles. It was quite the adventure.

We had a great time with Jennifer's family. The kids are adorable. Abigail is just too cute for words with big beautiful eyes and the most gorgeous smile. Jacob is growing up so fast and I can actually understand him when he talks now. Granted I have to really be paying attention because he changes subjects so quickly, but he's a riot. We took him sledding at the nearby school that had a decent sized hill. He was not afraid and as soon as the sled was set down in front of him he jumped right on and sped down the hill. The coming back up proved a little more daunting to him. It was quite icy and he would end up on his stomach saying, "Help me, help me!" And we'd tell him that he was almost there and that he could make it and he'd cry back, "I can't, I can't!" And we just sat at the top laughing. I'm sure it's going to give him a complex, but I couldn't help it. It was so funny. Most of the time he made it back up on his own.

"Help me, Help me!"

Jacob, the Daredevil.

Beautiful Abigail

The Lee sisters
Don't hate us because we're beautiful!!!

I will write more later to update everyone with what's been going on since Christmas. But right now I want to go workout on the treadmill. I have a goal to do it everyday this week. Who knows what will happen next week, but I'm just concentrating on this week.

Something You Don't See Everyday!!!

2008-12-11T16:21:00.000-08:00

I work for Wells Fargo, one of the oldest and now largest banks in the United States. It is probably one of the most well branded companies out there. The company began over 150 years ago with the Wells Fargo stagecoach. While technology out grew the need for the stagecoach, it has remained an icon and symbol for our company through the years. Vary rarely do you see one in public, except for the occasional parade or trade show. But yesterday, in downtown San Francisco, if one was walking near the intersection of Montgomery and California Streets, they would have seen the Wells Fargo stagecoach pulled by 4 gorgeous black horses, accompanied by one horse trainer on horseback, 4 SFPD on horseback and multiple motorcycle cops. It was actually kind of fun to see. Apparently, there was a contest to give away $100,000 to a worthy cause and the winner got to ride in the stagecoach up to the headquarters building to accept her prize. We have a Foundation that gives away millions of dollars each year to schools and non-profit organizations. I like to say it's the nice side of corporate America. Here are a few pictures of the event.

It Boggles the Mind!!!

2008-12-08T13:58:00.000-08:00

Beware. I know I haven't posted in a while and I apologize that this post is going to be a venting of my frustrations. But there is a part of the human existence that truly escapes my understanding. It boggles my mind. Marriage. Now, don't get me wrong. I understand what it is and why, but I am at a complete lost as how to obtain it. I was on Facebook checking out profiles of all these people I grew up with and most of them are married. I had to log out because my frustration had reached a boiling point. Which brings me here. How do people get married? How do they find people who want to marry them? I'm having trouble just finding someone to ask me on a date. I just don't get it. And it isn't for a lack of trying. Trust me!!! I've put myself out there. I've asked guys out. In fact, I've asked more guys than have ever asked me out. I am a pro at embarrassing myself in this regard and at rejection. Well, maybe I can't say a pro at rejection, because I don't handle it well at all. But I sure have had my share of it, more than I care to. I attended singles wards for 17 years. OH MY WORD THAT'S A LONG TIME!!! Singles wards have worked for other people, but not me. I've even resorted to online dating. Yes, it is tragic. But I have done it and have met a few people. Online dating is a bit strange. But it does seem easier to get to know someone online than in person. It goes faster, that's for sure. In fact, my longest "relationships" have been online relationships. Oh, that is sad. But they've all turned out to be colossal jerks. One guy ended up not wanting to take it any further than an online thing. WHAT?!?! And another guy, he... well, he had issues. Let's leave it at that. So here I am, 35 and single. I'm in a family ward and I've found that I have more in common with the married men than I do with the women, which sucks because I can't really hang out with the men. I don't think their wives would appreciate that. But they talk about work and life and sports and politics and the economy and... whatever. The wives talk about their husbands and their kids and since I have neither, I really can't relate. So do I go back to a singles ward? The frustrating thing about that option is that I am just constantly reminded that there are a ton of single men, great single men, who do not want more than a casual friendship. Casual friendships are nice, but come on already!!! What's so terribly wrong with me? OK, so maybe I don't have a Cindy Crawford figure, but I'm pretty damn great! I'm smart, talented, I have a wacky sense of humor, I've been told I'm pretty (but to say it myself would seem rather arrogant! :-) ), I'm a good cook, very organized, capable of doing almost anything I try (I can't skateboard - I fell flat on my butt the one time I tried), I'm well rounded (physically as well as mentally! hehehe), I'm good at sports... man this list is long!!! See what I mean? Pretty damn great. Perfect? No, but who is? So why can't I find someone who wants to marry me? I'd be a great wife and mother. Well, there it is. I'm so done being alone. It sucks. But I haven't figured out how to get from point A to point B. I still want it to happen. Just because I am 35 doesn't mean I'm all washed up and out of hope. I had an aunt that said to me when I was 25 that I shouldn't worry because there are many women who never get married!!! I WAS ONLY 25!!! WOW!!! She had already given up hope on me then. Well, I'd better end this depressing tirade. If anyone has any words of wisdom, I'm open for suggestions.

History in the Making...

2008-11-05T15:36:00.000-08:00

Well, it's over. And I am so glad. I was so tired of the arguing between the candidates and supporters and opponents of all the propositions. I read an article in the San Francisco Examiner this morning that I rather enjoyed. He was speaking for politics in San Francisco, but I think it can be applied to the country as a whole. At one point he says, "Our elections have little to do with the betterment of [our country] and mostly to do with the continuous pursuit of power." I wish I could believe that our politicians truly have our best interest at heart.

I'm glad Proposition 8 passed. I wish it meant there would be an end to the contention surrounding it, but unfortunately I see a long fight on the road ahead. There were so many arguments for and opposed and I was really torn about what I believed. But it all boiled down to what the Prophet and Apostles taught - marriage is sacred and is ordained by God between a man and a woman. For me, it was as simple as that. That is what it boiled down to. Many people may have used other reasons for supporting their decision and I'll admit, I did to at one point. You can read about that in a previous post. But after I wrote that post I came across an article refuting those reasons, pointing out the falsehoods used to twist them around to make them support their cause and I had to decide what my decision would be and why. It was simple. Marriage is sacred and ordained by God between a man and a woman. It may not be an argument that can be supported by documentation or published works other than the scriptures. But since when has faith meant that you have to have proof to believe in something. Faith is having hope and believing in things that are not seen. If there was tangible proof it wouldn't be faith, it would be knowledge. I have faith in God and in our prophet and apostles that they have directed us in the way that God would have us go.

I'm rambling. I want to add before I end this entry that regardless of how we all voted, this is a historic moment. A black man will be President of the United States. Think of all the blood, sweat and tears that have built up to this moment. I know many people who honestly did not think this was something that would happen in their lifetime. Is this the vision that Martin Luther King Jr. had? I wonder if the slaves who helped build the White House and the Capital Building had any idea that some day this country would have a black president. There are some out there that may not think this is that big of deal. But I have always loved history. In junior high and high school the Civil War and the Civil Rights Movement were a couple of the most interesting topics to me. They touched my heart and moved my soul. I remember visiting the Lincoln Memorial a few years ago on one of my business trips to Washington, DC and being reminded of those feelings as I revisited those history lessons. I feel blessed to have experienced this moment in history.

A Humorous Pet Peeve

2008-10-17T09:09:00.000-07:00

Everyone has pet peeves. Some people may not admit it, but come on!!! Let's be honest. There are things that bother everyone. They are definitely different from person to person. I'll admit it. I have pet peeves. Some things I try to not let bother me, but others are just things that bug and I'm really OK with that. One thing that bugs is people who do things that don't make sense. I was trying to find a way to say that without sounding mean, but seriously. Sometimes people will do something that makes no sense what-so-ever and it totally bugs!!! Here's one example that just makes me laugh every time I see it.

The women's bathroom at work has a handicapped bathroom stall and like most handicapped stalls it is much larger than the regular ones. (OK, so this may not be the PC way to say it, but oh well. Deal with it.) As many of you may know, sometimes the stalls have pretty big gaps in the spaces between the walls and the doors, etc. and sometimes you have to be choosy as to which stall you're going to use to make sure you don't give people on the other side a show. At work, the handicapped stall was this way. But maintenance came in and put a metal slab and black padding up to keep the users of this stall modest. YEAH!!! However, someone, and I really don't know who, still feels the need to waste toilet paper to cover up the former cracks every time they use this stall. Did they not notice the metal slab that cover up the gap!?!? And every time I take down the toilet paper and flush it down the toilet. It drives me nuts because it's a stupid thing to do. Come on!!! Use some common sense and realize you don't need to waste toilet paper. Here are some pictures. I just had to take them to prove that I'm not going crazy. You may think I'm strange, but I find this hilarious and annoying at the same time. Just thought I'd share.

See how she sticks the toilet paper in between the wall and the stall to cover up the "gap"? Look at the next picture and you'll see there is no reason to do it!!!

The metal is flush with the wall and over laps the stall. Why does this drive me nuts and why am I devoting a whole entry on my blog to this? Common sense. People. Use your common sense.

Proposition 8

2008-10-14T15:41:00.000-07:00

For those of you who read my blog who do not live in California, you may not have heard about Proposition 8. Proposition 8, if passed, will protect marriage as defined between a man and a woman. A number of years ago, we had a similar proposition up for vote in California voted down, which protected marriage between a man and a woman. Then a few years ago, many may remember that the esteemed (sarcasm!!!) mayor of San Francisco decided to legalized same sex marriage. It was quickly overruled by the California State Government. But for some reason, a few months ago, by a slim majority decision makers in our state government legalized gay marriage. Why? I have no idea. It was put to the vote several years ago and the majority of California citizens voted to keep marriage between a man and a woman. So now we are faced with Proposition 8.

Personally, while I do not support same sex marriage or relationships for that matter, I am of the belief that every human being was given the gift of free agency by God. If that is how someone feels they were created and chooses to live their life, then so be it. I don't look down on them for it. I don't agree with it, but I'm not going to shun them. Some of the funniest, kindest people I know are gay men, friends I've met and worked with over the years. So I agree to disagree. But when it comes to same sex marriage, a part of me wonders, why not? If you look at it from a strictly political point of view, under the Constitution every citizen of this country should be allowed the same rights. My problem with legalizing same sex marriage is with everything else that comes with it. Non-profit organizations and churches will be forced by law to recognize homosexuality. For example, in Massachusets a Catholic organization that provided adoptions chose to close its doors rather than provide same sex couples with adopted children. Prior to gay marriage being legalized in that state, a church would be perfectly within their legal rights to deny adoption to a gay couple due to religious beliefs. Not any more.

Just last week, a first grade class took a field trip to San Francisco's City Hall to witness their teacher's marriage to her lesbian partner. 1ST GRADERS!!! The school thought it was a great teaching opportunity. If Proposition doesn't pass, then homosexuality will be taught in our public schools as the norm right along with hetersexuality.

If there is such a fight for gay marriage rights, then why not legalize polygamy? Where does it stop? I'm all for equal rights. But when equal rights for one group takes away the rights of others, I'm not OK with that. The rights of the religious and others who choose not to believe in homosexuality is being stolen. How can they force those of us who have religious views against homosexuality to accept it and believe in it? This country was founded by people who commited treason in order to establish a place where people could be free to believe and practice what they wanted to. And now those basic rights that were established at the birth of this country are being destroyed. It's a scary time here for those who support Proposition 8. If they want to get married and have it legalized, fine. But don't take away my rights to believe, and practice and live my religion. FREEDOM OF SPEECH! FREEDOM OF RELIGION!

Metering Lights: Alleviation or Aggravation

2008-09-22T15:36:00.000-07:00

If you cross any of the bridges in the San Francisco Bay Area during commute hours, you will experience the invention of metering lights. Their purpose is to regulate the traffic on the bridges to alleviate traffic congestion. Does it work? Not really sure. But regardless, the powers that be decided to expand the use of these metering lights to several freeway entrances to be used again during commute hours. These have been in existence on many Bay Area freeway onramps closer to the city where traffic congestion tends to be more concentrated. However, as the outlying areas of the Bay Area have continued experiencing growth and development, the traffic congestion has increased and metering lights began popping up closer to home. They were put in a while ago, but just have never been turned on. That was until September 16th.

On September 16th I ended up waking up earlier than the butt crack of dawn so I decided to go into work early. That early in the morningthe metering lights weren't as issue. I beat everyone to work that day, even my boss who is usually the first one to the office. On the 17th, I woke up a little later than the day before, but still left for the office much earlier than I normally do. Metering lights Day 2... not so bad. But then came the 18th. After 2 days of not getting enough sleep I slept much later and ended up leaving work 20 minutes later than I normally do. Warning!!! Traffic a nightmare just getting out of Livermore onto the freeway.

I realized I was going to be a little late for work. It was 8:15am, which meant I would probably get to the BART station in time for the 8:42am train... IF I HURRIED!!! Otherwise I would have to take the 8:57am train which would put me into the city by 9:44am, getting to my office by 10:00am. I called my boss to let him know that I would be late and explained why. He's great and told me to just work from home.

Which brings me to today. So I left this morning at my usual time, 7:40am. This time I decided to take the Portola onramp instead of the Airway Blvd. onramp thinking it may be better. Plus, I was leaving a little earlier than last week. Surely it couldn't be that bad. @#$%@$&. It could and it was.

People... I live less than 5 minutes from the freeway. I could take either Airway Blvd or Portola Avenue. Either one takes less than 5 minutes to get to from my house. IT TOOK ME 30 MINUTES JUST TO GET ON THE FREEWAY!!!!!! HELLO INSANITY!!! By the time I got on the freeway I was in the same boat as last week. Sure they use these metering lights to regulate how often cars can get on the freeway, but it doesn't decrease the number of people who still have to get on the freeway. AND... it didn't make traffic on the freeway any less congested. It just added 25 minutes to my already 1 1/2 hour commute! ARGH!!!

So, metering lights: alleviation or aggravation? DEFINATELY AGGRAVATION!!!

I Almost Lived at Safeway

2008-09-17T14:08:00.000-07:00

OK, so I know that I owe this blog and whatever viewers of this blog pictures from my trip to Honduras and Costa Rica. I'll get to it. In the meantime I wanted to share my latest "Doh!" moment and so far the most exciting part of my week! (How sad! Yes, I know.)

So these last few weeks have been interesting for me. I won't go into all the gory details. Trust me... you don't want to know. Suffice it to say (is that how that phrase is written?) I have been feeling somewhat lethargic and not my usual chipper self. However, Monday I was feeling more myself and was excited to go home and be productive and get some necessary things done and get to bed early. (I've been staying up late, which is part of the problem.) I had even written out a "To Do" list... on a 3x5 card none-the-less!!! (That will only be funny for my immediate family. Sorry.)

I left the BART station and decided to stop by the Safeway on my way home and pick up some milk. I was out and for me milk is a main staple. I pulled my gorgeous red Mustang :-) into the parking lot and grabbed my bag to put in the trunk while I was in the store. I don't want to give anyone more of an excuse to break into my car. I opened the trunk and used the clicker to lock my car. I set everything down in the trunk, grabbed my wallet out of my bag so I wouldn't have to carry the whole thing into the store. I then grabbed one of the grocery bags that I keep in my trunk so that I can feel good about contributing to the improvement of the environment and not use plastic bags. I shut the trunk and started walking into the store when I realized... MY KEYS WERE IN THE TRUNK OF MY CAR!!!!!!!!!!

HELLO!!! I've never done that before. After the first initial gasp when I realized what I had done, I was pretty much calm through the rest of my ordeal. I'm a good problem solver and my mind went into gear to figure out how to get out of this mess. I have AAA. Great!!! I'll just call them and have them come help me get into my car. CRAP!!! MY PHONE IS IN MY BAG IN THE TRUNK OF MY CAR!!! OK. Next problem. So I go into Safeway and explain my predicament to the Customer Service clerk who lets me use their phone.

After getting through to the trusty AAA they inform me that the locksmith can't get their until an hour later. Lovely. I get to hang out at Safeway. So I sit in the little cafe wondering what I'm going to do with myself for the next hour. After people watching for a little while (its interesting to see how many people will wander into a grocery store and just meander for a while) I decided to get something to eat. After all, I was in a grocery store. I bought my milk, a sandwich and a few other things and went outside to eat. As it neared the time that I was assured by the AAA lady that the locksmith would arrive, I went to stand by car to wait. I figured it would be easier for them to find me in a sea of parked cars. But they didn't come.

I went back into the Safeway and called AAA again. They told me the locksmith wouldn't be able to make it until 8:11pm. WHAT!?!?!? I was so frustrated I hung up on her. It wasn't until after I hung up that I realized that she could just cancel my service request for my being rude to her. But I had to hope that she wouldn't. She didn't. But I had to wait until 8:00pm for the guy to finally come. Do you know how long it takes for the moon to rise from the horizon to almost 1/4 of the way across the sky? I do.

The locksmith was able to unlock my car and then unlock my trunk by sticking this long metal stick between my back seats and pulling the release tag. I now know that if I ever get kidnapped and thrown into the back of my car that I can just pull the release and jump right out. I hope I never have to use that.

So I finally made it home by 8:30, enough time to relax, take a shower, read and go to bed. So much for getting things done on my list. But hey, I got to spend a fun, exciting evening at a local Safeway! Lucky me! (NOT!!!)

My Last Day in Cost Rica

2008-08-15T17:45:00.000-07:00

First of all I need to make a comment about my last post. My birthday post. At that time I was feeling really down and very home sick. I was done and ready to go home. But my friends sprung into action and took me out to dinner. I got to pick the restaurant and chose a place called Morpho´s Cafe. They had traditional Costa Rican food. It was great. It wasn´t anything spectacular, but the gesture turned my day around and I went to bed feeling much better about being me. Thank goodness. It would have made the last few days of my trip torture.

We are now in a town on the Costa Rican coast called Quepos. It is idillic. We stayed in a beach front hotel and I spent the day relaxing on the beach. It was beautiful. We are going home tomorrow so I will be able to post some pictures of my trip. It´s been a fun experience, but I am looking forward to going home.

Happy Birthday to Me!

2008-08-12T16:45:00.000-07:00

Yep. Today is the day. This day 30 some odd years ago I made my way into this world. And unfortunately, I´m not all that excited about it being my birthday. I´m in Costa Rica. This should be an awesome birthday. But we spent the morning traveling from Arenal (an ACTIVE volcano) to Monteverde (the cloud forest). But this was no ordinary travel. We all piled into this minivan type of vehicle and drove down the mountain on a dirt road full off rocks and pot holes. To try and avoid the pot holes, our driver was all over the dirt road. It felt like a roller coaster, but not the good kind. After about a half hour of a bone jaring ride, we got to the ferry where we had to drag our luggage down the side of a hill... in the pouring rain!!! The 45 minute ferry ride was the most enjoyable part of our trip. Once we got to the other side it was another 2 HOURS of bone jaring turbulence through the hills. Oh, did I forget to tell you that Costa Rica doesn´t believe in paved roads? COME ON!!! Almost 2 hours of this. I almost went batty. Happy Birthday to me.

So here I am in Saint Elena, Costa Rica. It´s wet, foggy and humid outside. I´m sore and tired and all I really want to do for my birthday is veg and watch a good movie. But alas, our hotel room doesn´t even have a TV. It´s that kind of weather where all you want to do is curl up on the couch in front of a toasty fire with a cup of hot chocolate and either watch TV or read a book. Oh, but with the horid humidity I´d probably scrap the fire and hot chocolate and trade it for air conditioning and smoothy. OK. I should stop lementing. It could be worse. It could always be worse.

A House is Almost Built

2008-08-08T19:55:00.000-07:00

We just finished our project with Habitat for Humanity. We didn´t get to finish the house, but we did make a big dent and were definately a huge help to the construction team. It was hard manual labor, but I´m so glad I did it.

OK. I have to vent for a moment. One thing that drives me CRAZY is the staring and the talking about me in Spanish as if I don´t know they are talking about me. It happens ALL THE TIME!!! For those of us in the group that don´t speak Spanish, it is driving us NUTS not knowing what they´re saying about us. It´s so obvious they are talking about us because when we look at them, they are staring at us and quickly look away as if they weren´t. It´s starting to get on my nerves. But... what do you do? Do I really want to know what they are saying? Probably not. But I swear if I am ever in the situation where I´m the native with foreigners about, I will not talk about them. It´s flat out rude!

Yesterday we went to this extremely poverty stricken neighborhood. It was heart wrenching. Our driver has his hand in all these local humanitarian efforts. One of them is this partnership with a friend of his from the States who send him $500 a month. He takes this money to buy food to feed the kids of this neighborhood every day. It´s this long dirt road of 1 room shacks made out of scraps of wood. Most of the shacks are maybe 5 feet by 5 feet. Some might be a little bigger, but not by much. The Peace Corp volunteer in the area said that it´s hard because they try to help these families escape the poverty, but a lot of them just end up taking what is given them (clothes, land, homes) and selling them for money and remaining in the same conditions the volunteers were trying to get them out of. It´s what is familiar. It´s sad.

Today while we were working it started to pour down rain. But what was a little rain when we were already drenched with sweat. But I have to point out that the 7 women in our group were out in the rain shoveling dirt and gravel and moving it in the wheelbarrel while our token male was hiding in the alley way under the awning trying to stay dry. SERIOUSLY!?!? Hats off to all the women (myself included) who weren´t afraid of getting dirty and getting the job done.

I´ll have pictures to post when I get home. But for now I should sign off because the guys in this Internet Cafe are having a field day at our expense. We are off for our last day in Honduras tomorrow - river rafting and swimming under the waterfalls.

A Truly Humbling Experience

2008-08-07T19:39:00.000-07:00

How many people do you know that will take time off work, go to a foreign country, pay to build a house and then sweat from every pore to build that house without the use of modern tools? If you said ZERO, well you can now say ONE. Me. I don´t say this with an arogant heart, but a "Wow, this is a really cool thing I´ve chosen to do" heart. I didn´t really think about it much before I came. I was just thinking how cool it would be to go to Honduras and "Oh by the way, I"ll build a house for Habitat for Humanity while I´m at it." I can´t begin to describe what it´s like. We are building a 36x36 foot house for a family of four. It will have a living room, a bathroom, a kitchen and 2 small bedrooms. One of the bedrooms may fit a bed, but not much else. These people have just the bare essentials and they are so grateful for our help. I wish I could explain it. I will post some pictures when I get home, but I just want to say that if any of you love to travel and wouldn´t mind manual labor, this is probably one of the most rewarding experiences you will ever have.

PS. I´m still in Honduras using a computer at an Internet cafe that has a Spanish keyboard (and yes, they are different than an English keyboard) so if you notice any spelling mistakes... ignore them. The spell check won´t work.

I'm leavin' on a jet plane...

2008-08-01T21:32:00.000-07:00

Well, this is it. Only 30 minutes left until I leave. I'v been so stressed trying to get ready that I really haven't had time to get excited about it. Hopefully I will have a good time and once I leave I can leave my regular life behind and have a nice vacation.

So tonight at the wee hour of 1:35am I board a flight to Honduras. With a layover in San Salvador and a 2-3 hour bus ride once we arrive, we should get to our final destination of La Cieba, Honduras sometime tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully I will be able to find an internet cafe somewhere so I can post some of our adventures. If not, I'll definately fill you all in when I get back.

See ya'll later.

A Nice Surprise...

2008-07-31T13:28:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, when I returned to the office from 2 weeks of traveling for work and 1 week of vacation I was treated to a nice surprise. The first week I had been gone was to attend a conference in Los Angeles that my boss had been organizing for almost a year. So naturally, I was swamped with the planning and such for this conference. (He would come into my office and say, "I've been thinking..." and I'd think, "OH CRAP!" because it inevitably meant more work for me.) My boss' boss attended the conference in LA, which was a huge success by the way. So when I returned to the office I was greeted with a beautiful flower arrangement. I thought that was the sweetest thing! My boss' boss is so thoughtful and I was touched that he thought to commend me on a job well done. Here's a picture of the arrangement.

Quote of the day...

2008-07-21T14:28:00.000-07:00

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind."

~Dr. Seuss

Team KC

2008-07-18T15:38:00.001-07:00

Today my mom told me about this blog she has been reading about a girl struggling with cancer. This girl, Korrine, is 14 and found out in December of 2007 that she has cancer. She found out just before Christmas. Korrine lives in Livermore. Her mom was my mom's water aerobics instructor, which is how my mom knows about it. I thought I'd post this to my blog for other people to read about. I know they are looking for blood donors because Korrine has a rare type of blood, A-. So if you are A- or know of someone who is, I'm sure they would love to have the donations. Keep her and her family in your prayers.

http://www.korrinecroghan.blogspot.com/

The Downside of Technology

2008-07-16T23:39:00.000-07:00

So, I know it's been a while since my last post. This morning I actually spent some time writing a really good post. When I clicked on the "Publish Post" icon and... POOF! It was gone! Aahhh!!! I was so bummed because it was a good post, too. It was open and honest and sincere. I thought about rewriting it, but the sincerity of it would be gone. It just wouldn't be the same. So maybe it was just more important that I get my thoughts out then to have them posted for the world to see. Frustrating!!!

Introducing...

2008-06-04T14:43:00.000-07:00

Zachary Thomas Lee

Benjamin, Karinne, Zachary, Mom (Tammy) and Dominic enjoying Mom's company on her hospital bed. Benjamin and Karinne had been watching the TV. We had to turn it off to get them to look down for pictures. But apparently, they still didn't look at the camera. In this picture, Dominic had just whacked (accidentally) Zachary in the head. He started screaming, the poor thing. Grandma Lee had to pick him up to comfort him. I chuckled because its starting already... the older siblings beating up the younger ones. Once when Dominic was a baby, he was lying on a blanket in the living room at my parent's house. Karinne walked by, looked around to make sure someone WAS looking and then stepped on Dominic's head. Then she walked nonchalantly out of the room.

Zachary with his favorite Aunt!!! (ME!!!)

Karinne and Dominic holding their little brother, Zachary.

Zachary and Dad (my brother, Brian) holding hands.

HE'S HERE!!!

2008-06-03T09:35:00.000-07:00

Nephew #5 has made his entry into this world!!! YEAH!!! He was born last night, June 2nd at 9:53pm. He weighs 8lbs 15oz and is 21 inches long. The poor kid still doesn't have a name, but hopefully my brother and sister-in-law will decide on one today or tomorrow so we don't have to call him "Kid" for the rest of his life. I talked to Karinne this morning and asked her if she was excited to have another little brother. Her response was, "It's not a girl." She's a little disappointed, but she's such a fiesty little girl that I'm sure she'll be able to handle 3 brothers easily. I'm so excited to go see this little guy. Hopefully the next time I post I'll have pictures of him and a name to go along with the little guy.

Baby Watch Continues...

2008-05-31T23:34:00.001-07:00

Nope! Still no baby. Man, this one sure is taking its time. Yes, I know its technically not due until Monday, but it always seems like Tammy's babies come a little earlier than expected. OK, I guess I'll just have to be patient. Come on little one!!! Your favorite Aunt is waiting!

Simple Pleasures ...continued

2008-05-31T23:24:00.000-07:00

~Having dinner with friends.

~Buying a cute new outfit.

~Being in a crowded room and feeling the air turn on. Taking a few deep breaths is very calming.

~Sleeping in on a Saturday morning.

~Driving a cool red Mustang!!!

Simple Pleasures - Day 1

2008-05-29T17:04:00.000-07:00

I think an important part of being happy in life is taking enjoyment in the simple pleasures. I've noticed a few in the last few days and decided what better way to acknowledge them than to post them on my blog. So here it goes...

1. Treating oneself to a nice meal in the middle of the day. Not an expensive one, necessarily, but a nice one where you actually sit down in the restaurant and order from a waiter and relax and not have to think about work for a few minutes.

2. Breathing fresh air after a long day of work in an office at a desk behind a computer.

3. Driving a really cool red Mustang!

4. Having a home cooked meal ready and waiting for you when you get home from work! (The perks to living with one's parents before they've left on their mission.)

... to be continued

Operation "Baby Watch"

2008-05-29T14:11:00.000-07:00

So the official due date is June 2nd, only 4 days away. But it could always be sooner than that. No, I'm not pregnant. I'd prefer to get married first before I try motherhood. I know many women in the world are in situations not of their choice where they are now single mothers raising children on their own. Hats off to them. I think being a parent is hard, but add the burden of doing it alone makes it doubly hard. Why anyone would choose to be a single parent right off the bat is beyond me. So to any of my family and friends out there who would like to see me bear children in this lifetime, I could use a little assistance in the finding a husband department. I digress.

My sister-in-law is expecting #4, which will make #7 grandchild in the Lee clan. I'm so excited to see the little guy/girl. Nope. We have no idea which it will be. That's one thing my brother and sister-in-law have always done is keep the baby's gender a surprise, even to them. I like it. The anticipation of either a boy or a girl is half the fun. As soon as the little one makes its way into this world, I will post the great news. Until then, here is a picture of it with it's older siblings, Dominic (2), Karinne (almost 4) and Benjamin (7)... and Mom (my sister-in-law) of course. Where else would the baby be?

Isn't He Adorable?!

2008-05-22T15:39:00.001-07:00

This is Dominic, one of my nephews. He celebrated his 2nd birthday on May 19th and while it is 3 days late, I just wanted to give a shout out to this adorable little man and say "Happy Birthday, Dominic. I love you!"

Happy Mother's Day!!!

2008-05-13T11:22:00.000-07:00

So even though Mother's Day was technically a couple of days ago, here's a shout out to my mom in honor of Mother's Day. Many years ago, my mom and I were walking through the mall in Orem, UT and we came across this store with all these little trinkets, one of which was a framed peom entitled, "Mean Mothers". We read it and loved it and since then my mom has prided herself on being a "Mean Mom". We didn't buy it, but to this day I wish we had. I've hunted and hunted and have never been able to find a poem that quite does that one justice. But in honor of Mother's Day and in honor of my wonderful, beautiful mother who, I am so incredibly grateful for, was a "Mean Mother", I am including the following peom that I found on the internet. And to all you mother's out there, I hope you are one and are proud to call yourselves a "Mean Mother".

My mom with one of her granddaughters, Abigail.

The Meanest Mother In The World
Copyright© 1967 by Bobbie Pingaro

I had the meanest mother in the whole world. While other kids ate candy for breakfast, I had to have cereal, eggs or toast. When others had cokes and candy for lunch, I had to eat a sandwich. As you can guess, my supper was different than the other kids' also.

But at least, I wasn't alone in my sufferings. My sister and two brothers had the same mean mother as I did.

My mother insisted upon knowing where we were at all times. You'd think we were on a chain gang. She had to know who our friends were and where we were going. She insisted if we said we'd be gone an hour, that we be gone one hour or less--not one hour and one minute. I am nearly ashamed to admit it, but she actually struck us. Not once, but each time we had a mind of our own and did as we pleased. That poor belt was used more on our seats than it was to hold up Daddy's pants. Can you imagine someone actually hitting a child just because he disobeyed? Now you can begin to see how mean she really was.

We had to wear clean clothes and take a bath. The other kids always wore their clothes for days. We reached the height of insults because she made our clothes herself, just to save money. Why, oh why, did we have to have a mother who made us feel different from our friends?

The worst is yet to come. We had to be in bed by nine each night and up at eight the next morning. We couldn't sleep till noon like our friends. So while they slept-my mother actually had the nerve to break the child-labor law. She made us work. We had to wash dishes, make beds, learn to cook and all sorts of cruel things. I believe she laid awake at night thinking up mean things to do to us.

She always insisted upon us telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, even if it killed us- and it nearly did.

By the time we were teen-agers, she was much wiser, and our life became even more unbearable. None of this tooting the horn of a car for us to come running. She embarrassed us to no end by making our dates and friends come to the door to get us. If I spent the night with a girlfriend, can you imagine she checked on me to see if I were really there. I never had the chance to elope to Mexico. That is if I'd had a boyfriend to elope with. I forgot to mention, while my friends were dating at the mature age of 12 and 13, my old fashioned mother refused to let me date until the age of 15 and 16. Fifteen, that is, if you dated only to go to a school function. And that was maybe twice a year.

Through the years, things didn't improve a bit. We could not lie in bed, "sick" like our friends did, and miss school. If our friends had a toe ache, a hang nail or serious ailment, they could stay home from school. Our marks in school had to be up to par. Our friends' report cards had beautiful colors on them, black for passing, red for failing. My mother being as different as she was, would settle for nothing less than ugly black marks.

As the years rolled by, first one and then the other of us was put to shame. We were graduated from high school. With our mother behind us, talking, hitting and demanding respect, none of us was allowed the pleasure of being a drop-out.

My mother was a complete failure as a mother. Out of four children, most of us attained some higher education. None of us have ever been arrested, divorced or beaten his mate. Each of my brothers served his time in the service of this country. And whom do we have to blame for the terrible way we turned out? You're right, our mean mother. Look at the things we missed. We never got to march in a protest parade, nor to take part in a riot, burn draft cards, and a million and one other things that our friends did. She forced us to grow up into God-fearing, educated, honest adults.

Using this as a background, I am trying to raise my three children. I stand a little taller and I am filled with pride when my children call me mean. Because, you see, I thank God, He gave me the meanest mother in the whole world.

The Latest Update

2008-05-05T22:45:00.000-07:00

I realize that it's been a few weeks since I last posted and much has changed since then. I'm still loving "Stella". People are quite shocked when they see me driving a dark red Mustang. It has definitely been quite the conversation piece. For those wondering how she got her name... well... I wanted a name that was sassy and feminine. Something with attitude but not too overbearing. The name Stella just popped into my mind a few days after I got her and I thought, "Stella the 'Stang", and it stuck. For those wanting a picture of me and my car... give me a few days. I'll get one and post it soon.

So the biggest news is that I am moving. Not too far away. I'm moving to Livermore to live in my parent's house while they are gone on their mission. FREE RENT!!! YEAH!!! My mom brought up the idea last year and I thought it would be great. But then a few months ago, after I had decided to move it just didn't feel right. So I told my parents that I had decided to stay where I was and not live in their house while they were gone. They understood and began making preparations to leaving it empty for us kids to take care of while they are gone. But then a couple of weeks ago my roommate and I were notified that our landlord was increasing our rent and with the recent purchase of that shiny red Mustang parked out on the curb, more rent stretched me to my limit. So I started thinking about it again and this time it felt right. Don't ask me to explain why now it is the right thing for me to do and a few months ago it wasn't. Heavenly Father has His reasons and I've learned not to question why... sometimes anyway. So I am moving Memorial Day weekend. I'm kind of excited to embark on this new adventure.

Since deciding to move and save on rent I was invited by a friend to go to Honduras in August and build a house with Habitat for Humanity and I thought... why not. I can afford it. So August 2nd I board a plane with friends bound for Honduras to spend 8 days building a house for a less fortunate family. And then on the 10th we hop, skip and jump it to Costa Rica for 6 days to relax after a hard week of manual labor. I am so excited for this trip. I have developed a love of traveling to different countries and Central America is one place I've never been before. I have the opportunity and means so why not take it? I am going to make the most of my single life and have great adventures. That just seems so much better to me than wallowing in self pity and loneliness. I get plenty of that in anyway. I might as well intermix it with once in a life time experiences!

My New Car!!!

2008-04-14T15:01:00.000-07:00

It was time to retire my trusty little 1998 Ford Escort. The maintenance to keep her running would of cost more than she was worth. So I decided that if I have to be single right now, I'm going to get a fun car. Why be practical? I have no dependents. No 4 door sedan or mini van for me. I decided to go a bit sporty. But I didn't want tiny. One little fender bender would total something like that. So no Mazda Miata. But I couldn't afford expensive. No BMW or Mercedes either. (OK, so I'm being just a little bit practical.) So here's what I got... a 2008 Candy Apple Red 2dr Premium Mustang Coupe. Here she is... introducing my new baby, "Stella".

My Parent's Mission Call

2008-04-05T21:49:00.000-07:00

For several years my parents have been talking about serving a mission after my dad retired. Well, he retired last June. So a few months ago they began the process and turned their papers in just 3 weeks ago. Now, my dad served a mission in Mexico City when he was 19. My mom on the other hand got married when she was 19. But over the last 15 years she has sent 4 children on full-time missions. Having been one of those children to have been sent, it has been quite an interesting experience to be on the other side of it... the children getting their parents ready to serve a mission. 3 weeks ago we began the long and dreaded wait. Being potential senior missionaries did not exempt my parents from the anxiety of waiting and checking the mail box daily for that long awaited white envelope. But yesterday the wait finally came to an end and all of my parents posterity who live in the San Francisco Bay Area gathered at my brother, Brian's, house and called and set up the web cam with the rest that live out of state. And then they read that familiar phrase... "You have been called to serve in the Asuncion Paraguay Temple Mission for 18 months." My parents are going to Paraguay!!! How exciting and crazy is that!?!? So now we begin the process of helping them put their things in order, setting up a schedule for taking care of the house, and any last minute things to help them get ready. Then on July 21st they enter the MTC in Provo, UT and we children can sit back with a sigh of relief and say, "Well, we must have done something right!"

Happy Birthday, Brenda!!!

2008-04-05T07:13:00.000-07:00

Just a quick shout out to my sister, Brenda. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Well, it was actually yesterday. Brenda, my parents and I were all at my brother, Brian's, house and my adorable niece decided to dress Brenda up as a princess. As soon as I get a picture I will post it. It's great. Anyway... Happy Birthday, Brenda.

Thankgoodness for Working from Home!!!

2008-04-03T09:47:00.000-07:00

So this is how I felt yesterday. (Except

brunette, not blond.) Work is just a little busy for me right now. I have quite a few projects that I'm trying to juggle to make sure they all get done. And then my boss is organizing a business forum for June, which is really quite a big deal, and is on caffiene overload while planning all the details and everytime he comes into the office and says, "I've been thinking..." I feel dread and panic knowing that his "thinking" is going to add to my already bulging list of projects I have to do. So by the end of yesterday I was frazzled, exhausted and just wanted to go home. But my stressful day didn't end there. Oh no. It kept on going. So I take CalTrain to and from the city. San Francisco is the last stop on the northbound trains, so if I fall asleep... no worries. But if I fall asleep on the way home... well, let's just say I really try not to. But after my exhausting day yesterday, it happened. I fell asleep. And for a while I was doing OK. Everytime we came into a station I would wake up to see where we were. But as fate would have it, I didn't wake up at my station until we were leaving it. So I got off at the next station and instead of having a 15 minute walk home I had a 1 HOUR walk home. 3 HOURS, people!!! 3 HOURS is what it took me to get home last night. So needless to say after my day commuting into the city yesterday, I decided to work from home today. Ahhhh!!!! I am so grateful that I have this option. There have been days where I litterally work in my pajamas and still in my bed. I try not to do it too often because I am much more productive if I'm in the office. But after a day like yesterday... I need this kind of break.

NAKED MAN ON CALIFORNIA STREET!!!

2008-04-01T14:14:00.000-07:00

I guess I really shouldn't be all that surprised seeing as how I work in San Francisco. But unless it's the Bay to Breakers race or the Folsom Street Fair people are usually fully clothed. They may be bizarrely clothed but the important parts are usually covered by something. However, today there was some sort of rally or protest going down California Street. They stopped at the Bank of America plaza across the street from my building and danced and sang and played the drums. I was curious as to what was going on, so I looked out my office window. Most everyone was dressed strangely. From 7 stories up it looked like they were wearing costumes but for what reason I couldn't tell. I am a little too high up to read their signs. And then I notice a costume that looked somewhat different from the others and then I realized what I was looking at. I couldn't believe it! There he was, naked man in all his God given glory! I wonder if he'll get arrested.

My New Toy!

2008-04-01T14:07:00.000-07:00

It's not my birthday. There's no holiday. There isn't even anything to celebrate. I just felt the need to treat myself to a new toy. I've been wanting to get a new phone for a while and thought I'd get one of these eventually. But the other day as I was going home from work, I thought, "What am I waiting for? I know what I want and I have the money, so why not just get it?" So I did! And I love it!

I Must Look Young!

2008-01-14T13:14:00.000-08:00

I actually got carded the other day at the grocery store. Now before you freak out, don't worry. I wasn't buying alcohol. (If I was, I sure wouldn't tell you! hahaha!!!) I was buying cough syrup. HELLO! You get carded now for buying cough syrup? But then... HELLO!?!? I was carded??? WOW! How nice! I must not look all of my... 29 years? Hahaha! Just kidding. Own it, baby! I'm 34 and loving it! But seriously. I'm 34 and they had to card me for buying cough syrup? I've never been carded before, not even when I've gone to a bar. (And no, I never drank!) So I'm taking it as a complement. I must still look young. YEAH!!!

A little randomness

2007-12-10T11:27:00.000-08:00

Well, so much for becoming a super blogger. Haha!!! After I started this thing I realized that my life is actually not at all that interesting. What in the world could I have to blog about. But then I figured that it doesn't really matter if some big life altering thing happens to me or not, I'm just going to blog about the small random things that happen. Perhaps there will be something interesting, perhaps not. But like it says in the title of my little blog page, this is "my reality".

So I commute to San Francisco for work. This morning it took 1 hour and 45 minutes from door to door. It normally doesn't take that long, but I've decided that unless there is a family emergency, then there really isn't much that's worth hurrying for. Anyway, once I get into the city I walk from the train station to my office. It usually takes 30 minutes or so. This morning I stopped for a Starbucks Grande Peppermint Hot Chocolate with fat free milk and no whip. Not as sweet and rich as the regular full fat kind, but much lower in all those unwanted calories. It was so yummy and hot, especially on this chilly morning. So there I am, walking down 3rd Street past the Moscone Convention Center, feeling very cool and hip with my Starbucks Peppermint Hot Chocolate and I pass by the loading docks. There is a semi-truck stopped on the side of the road having just made a deliver. Not at all strange or uncommon. I barely noticed it. But as I pass I turn to see that in the drivers seat of this huge semi-truck is none other than your average gray haired grandma, revving up the engine, getting ready to drive her truck through the streets of San Francisco. Now if you've never driven in San Francisco or any other big city for that matter, you don't know that navigating those streets in a regular sized car can be a harrowing experience, especially during morning commute traffic. But there was this grandma not only driving truck, but driving truck in San Francisco. I was impressed. Maybe I should have been a little scared with grandma behind the wheel, but I just had this image of this sweet little gray haired grandma having a Jekyll and Hyde moment and turning into a "don't mess with me, dude" kind of person. Seriously! She was a cute little grandma. You know, the type who sit and play bridge on Thursday nights and go get there hair set at the beauty parlor every Friday. I don't know why I still let things shock me in this city. So for anyone out there who uses the traffic as an excuse to not come to they city... suck it up, man! If grandma can do it, than so can you!

Eating my words!

2007-08-28T14:09:00.000-07:00

So, I used to be one of those people who didn't have anything positive to say about blogging. You know... posting things from your personal life on the Internet for all the perverts and stalkers to read and learn everything about you and your family so they can hunt you down and wreck havoc on your life!!! (OK, so I read one too many of those email myths that get sent around by the millions on a daily basis.) But that is not to say that those things don't happen nor is it to lessen the tragedies inflicted on those who's lives have been turned upside-down by such perverts and stalkers. My heart goes out to them. But my lovely sister-in-law, Anne, has helped me see the light. She has a blog that lately is keeping us up to date on all the happenings of a handsome little boy that is fighting to make his way in the world. My newest nephew, Hazen Alma Lee, is still in the hospital after being born 8 weeks early on August 8th. His dad (my brother, Jason) assured me that they tried to wait for the 12th but little Hazen wasn't having any of that. Too bad. He could have shared his birthday with his favorite Aunt... ME! To all those who read this blog, which right now is me (hee hee!), please keep little Hazen and his family in your thoughts and prayers.

But thanks to Anne, I have now joined the world of blogging and will be competing with Anne's sister, Heather, to see who gets more addicted to this. Happy blogging, people!